Archive | October 2016

A new story

I have a confession to make.  I still haven’t done Boo’s life story book yet.  I was supposed to. I swore up and down I’d do it 2 years ago.   I just kept meaning to and had it all sorted out in my head and  I always had some excuse. And now the questions are starting.  And we’re filling him in on more and more.  We told him about his birthmother a long time ago, but as he’s getting older, the explanations are getting longer and longer and now he knows he has 2 brothers.  And though he often just wants a short answer before he changes the subject, I sense that his lifebook would come in handy right about now.

He’s always been the kind of kid that would make a great big brother or little brother.  Pretty much where he fits in the life he could have had.  He remarked recently that he would like to have a younger brother to play with; just like his friends/cousins who share a room. Recently, hubby split with his best friend/partner in business and since they’re not really on friendly terms at the moment, we haven’t seen a lot of his boys.  And for the first time ever, the ex volunteered to have Boo over for a sleepover so they could spend time together.   Sigh.  I really wish we could have had another child but life just didn’t turn out that way.

I think the reason I just didn’t do the book was I started out being so insecure as his mother.  When he was tiny, it was it was all I could do to  concentrate on just the mechanics of being a new mother, creating new family traditions, building our family unit.  Then came the toddler years of just trying to keep him alive.  Then school started and new routines were established and the engine of family life just shifted into high gear.   Oh, I read him adoption stories and told him he was adopted but he  just wanted reassurance that he was ours forever.  It wasn’t until he became older that he became very curious  about his origins.  His questions are quite random but persistent as he navigates through his world.

While we were in a dollar store the other day, he sat down in an empty carton and I joked oh, my how much is this little boy and he joked he was $10.  Then later in another store he asked me how much he cost.  Like, when we were in the dollar store, $10?  No, he said, when he was with his birth mother, how much did he cost?  Who asked you this?  Nobody asked me, I just want to know.  You didn’t cost anything, I never paid for you – you’re priceless!  He smiled shyly and then we looked for marshmallows.

Some days he asks about the nature of death, how long will I live, or how tall he will be or why I have bumps on my face. He asks why was he born black though people say he’s brown.  He wants to know a lot of things.

I started his book tonight and instead of trying to make it perfect, I’m just going to do the best I can.

Microblog Mondays – Time flies

I know,  I know, where the hell have I been?  I didn’t have that much to say (well I did but all in my head) and I had to readjust my morning schedule, so that left blog reading and writing in the dust.  Once all of my productive energy was used up, I had scant brain cells left in the evening to actually write coherently.  So, a quick summary.

My little boy entered grade 2 and with it, came a lot more concerns about his learning skills.  He is receiving learning assistance support but hubby and I are right there helping him with his homework.   I actually told his teacher that he was adopted which isn’t something that I normally do, but I felt really insecure about not knowing his biological history in regards to any learning disabilities.  And I also felt a little helpless.  I always had a really easy time at school, and it really made a difference in how I felt about school. I also don’t want him to think he’s stupid and we’re working hard to keep up his self esteem.

I went away to a Buddhist conference last month for 4 days in Toronto.  It was awesome.  As it happened, hubby had to work out of town for a few days and had to take Boo with him.  His brother was supposed to take care of him  but he ended up having a minor heart attack for which a stent was required.  I got the email while I was away and as Buddhists do, we chanted for his speedy recovery.  I had a wonderful time and it was awesome to just immerse myself in study and chanting and talking to an array of women from across Canada.  Heard many stories of women trying to recreating their lives and overcoming cancer.  The last time I was there, the dream of a child was still that, a dream. One thing really bugged me though.  There was a woman there that expressed that she still had a regret that she never had a child.  A couple of women just sort of joked about it, like oh,  I wanted one too but then  realized how noisy they are.  They was insensitive and it pissed me off.  I didn’t get a chance to tell her that I had heard her and that I understood that that kind of grief doesn’t ever really go away.  I forwarded my email to her but I haven’t heard anything back.  Hmmm.

Then I went to Toronto to visit my sister for Thanksgiving (quick 5 day visit).  That was a little weird.  Nice, but weird.  My sister is 3 years younger than me and yet we have very little in common when it comes to the way we do things and how we move about in the world.  No, I did not see or talk to my older sister.  Also, Boo came with me and unlike the first time we travelled together, he was a bit of handful.  He’s going through a phase where basically he challenges me on just about everything.  If I say the sky is blue, he insists it’s red.  And being an only child is really tough on him; he likes nothing better than being with kids his own age and barring that any other young person.  So it was good he spent time with his cousin, but his cousin is now 13 and getting a bit moody.  I think my son exhausted him.  It was great spending some time with friends though.

I’ve been super busy with auditions lately. Right after I declared that I was ready to just tell my agent not to call me for 6 months.  But of course, no bookings.  I am so over show business.  I’m tired of having my ego trounced.  I’m tired of doubting myself and worrying about things that I can’t change, like my age or how I look.  I’m too old for that shit. Literally.   Looking for f/t theatre work so I can recharge my batteries.

Good news is that my hormones are finally under control.  And with that, my mood.  So all the DHEA, estriol  (bioidentical estrogen) cream and progesterone pills have done their job.  Had a recheck of my hormones and I’m doing much better, more balanced.  The testosterone level of a 22 year old, not sure what the heck that means, I’m still waxing my chin.  My energy level is pretty high in the mornings and  fades by mid afternoon so I move like a tornado in the mornings.   I participated in a photo shoot for the city rec centre so I’ll be getting a 10 visit pass so I’m going to take advantage of that.  My shoulder is not 100% yet, I can’t fully rotate it, but I have to do something.  My mid section is about the same size as my bra.  Not good. Ah yes, there’s something humbling and terrifying about turning into your mother.

Hubby and I are in a better space.  We’ve reached a solid partnership.  Oddly there’s more insecurity about his work, (his partnership with his best friend fell apart) but he’s less stressed than usual.  I’m the one that’s way more concerned about our future.  The housing market here is nuts, and the thought of continually putting thousands of dollars into someone else’s equity is nauseating.  So that means making more money without selling my soul to a brain numbing but stable job (which is exactly what my mother did).

Time is really flying by and I definitely feel like I need to make the most of it.