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Who, me?

Three  gigs in one month!   This is a record for me!  I suspect our falling dollar has something to do with why it’s so busy around here, but I’m auditioning like crazy.  The upside is that I have felt more and more like my old, confident, creative self.  The bad side is that I’ve felt more and more like my old self-loathing, insecure self.

Yet unlike my old self, I have figured this out in record time and interrupted those old tapes.  A couple weeks ago, I got a call from my agent saying this production wanted to know if I would do a no liner part playing the great grandma in a flashback scene.  Obviously I did not get the part I auditioned for.  My ego was hurting and I was bummed about that but what the heck, here was an opportunity to make some good money.  I had to seriously change my attitude and chant to raise my life condition.  In the end, it was really fun to be made up in the 1960’s style, the crew was nice, I had a great talk with a fellow colleague, I smiled and had a great time.  Seriously, I made a ridiculous amount of money for what was 30 minutes of work.

Yesterday I completed one day on a new series for Hallmark.  Sorry, can’t tell you about it.   First good sign, I didn’t have to drive an hour out of town to the production’s usual location, I was only 20 minutes away!   When I arrived on set, I went to the “honeywagon” (trailers) to look for my character’s name on the door.  I didn’t see it.  Perhaps I had arrived too early or they had a lot of cast on set? The AD ushered me to a “star” trailer.  Oooh, I was so excited, it was so nice and big and warm.  Now this is more like it!  There was an electric fireplace, a table and chair and a sofa, a make up area and a closet to hold my wardrobe.  Oooh, an Ipod player and TV.  The bathroom had a shower and a nice glass bowl for the sink.   I enjoyed it for all of 1 hr and 15 minutes before he had to take me back to the honeywagon trailers cause the producers wanted to hold a meeting in there.  The usual trailers are tiny room with a padded bench and crappy toilet and sink in a 2ft closet.  Oh, well, at least I had my lunch on an actual table instead of my lap and so I just settled in and read my book.  Now I could have gone from Heaven to Hell and bemoaned my trailer fate (see previous post) but I just laughed to myself.  Really, I was still happy that I had time to even READ A BOOK and I enjoyed reading hubby’s texts about what he and Boo were up to.  I’m lucky that hubby can even take time out of the office to take care of our son.  I had the pleasure of working with a wonderful, well known Canadian female director and the stars were Canadian and they were gracious and funny.   I made sure that everything that came out of my mouth was kind and positive.  I realized that I was fortunate to have parts that were not that big so I could relax, do my thing and not put a lot of pressure on myself.  I could get comfortable on sets, watch other actors, stay present and be aware of my surroundings.  In the past, I’ve learned that I can become easily distracted by my environment and stop listening.  Perhaps I’m getting warmed up for bigger things in the future?  We’ll see!

For the next two nights I’m working on a feature film – I’ve got one line and I don’t know how I managed to get 3 days out of this, but whatever, I’m thrilled.

 

 

Raining

The in-laws have come and gone and as usual, I am expected to fit my life around others. I’ll spare you the long rant where the same courtesy was not extended to me.   I still had some transcribing work to do but of course, hubby insisted I sit and socialize.  I really do enjoy my in-laws, but sometimes I wish I could just check into a spa and not come out for two days.  We did enjoy a night out, dinner and a movie, but of course, DH rushes back home the instant the movie is over.  I find myself irritated and brooding.  I was reading Eden’s blog and came across this line:

You are not less than anybody else. You are not less than anybody else.

It was in her post How to Live and so I highly recommend reading it.    Sometimes the negative voices in my head come back to haunt me in the wee hours and I look for encouragement wherever I can.  And because I had a couple of religiously motivated people show up at my door this morning so that I could declare I was a Buddhist I shall also offer this (the whole article can be find here):

“Cherry, plum, peach and damson blossoms all have their own qualities, and they manifest the three properties of the life of the Buddha without changing their character”.  Simply put, each one of us contributes our own unique qualities through the role we play in society. The Daishonin uses the example of the cherry, plum, peach and damson flowers to make his point. The cherry flower is renowned for its beauty; many people enjoy seeing the cherry blossoms in the spring. The plum blooms in late winter–while other flowers usually bloom in the spring–and it, too, is known for its beauty. According to an old Chinese tradition, peaches are said to bring longevity and ward off evil. The damson flower’s appearance is different from the others, but it is associated with assiduousness and perseverance.

Attaining enlightenment does not require us to become anything other than a human being; it is recognizing our own true value and worth exactly as we are. By being true to ourselves, we can become happy. Only we know what it is that makes us happy and only we know when we are making efforts to make ourselves happy. Comparing ourselves with others only leads to a sense of inferiority or superiority. By focusing on surpassing our own limitations—without focusing on what others are doing—we will find it much easier to grow. No matter how much we try to become like someone else, we can only be ourselves.

At a time of insecurity and change (and a whole lotta rain), I’m struggling to rest easy in the knowledge that I am enough.

Pain/revelations *edited*

I’ve been on the cranky side lately.  Ruminating on my fundamental darkness.  It may have a lot to do with the fact that I hurt my back again – twisting and lifting my boy – a definite no-no for me but apparently I keep forgetting.  My usual chiro was away and I couldn’t get a hold of my massage person so  I went to a new chiro up the street.  Oh, boy, that ended up being  complicated and irritating and expensive.  Which made me even crabbier.  Yes, I do feel better but he’s pushy, arrogant and I don’t want going to the chiro to be part of my “healing” lifestyle.   It was a little like going to get your oil changed and ended up getting filters replaced and oops, there’s something else leaking and you need an engine overhaul.  Sure everyone’s car would run better if they fixed and replaced every little damn part, but that’s not what you  went in for.  I’m going back to my old chiro to have a little chat next week.  Right after I break the appointment I made with the new one.  Something’s telling me this isn’t the right doc for me. Just a feeling.

Which brings me back to fundamental darkness.  In Buddhism, it’s equivalent to what’s really holding you back in life.  It’s your negativity, your doubt, your fears, your lack of whatever that makes you feel like you’re walking through quicksand at challenging times in your life.  It comes up to smack the back of your head whenever you’re pushed beyond your comfort zones.  In theory, you can avoid it by staying within your comfort zones, but you may have noticed that as you get older, life can get complicated.  Perhaps it’s your spouse that doesn’t behave as you would like  or it’s your children or lack thereof, your body gets sick, your parents get sick, you lose your job, or someone you love dies.  Or sometimes, life is just fine, but you have a sneaking suspicion that it could be better. Cause if it was, you wouldn’t feel the way you do. You can only ignore that little whisper from your heart at your own peril.

How do I feel?  Generally, quite content with life as is. I have an amazing life, full of good friends and good times.  I’m digging the family thing.  Specifically, my creative side is floundering quite a bit. It’s been proposed to  put creativity to work in the domestic arena.  This is insufficient for me.  Unsatisfying.  Boring.  I already know how to make an apple pie from scratch.  Telling me I make a wonderful lamb roast is a compliment but it doesn’t make me feel excited and alive.  Sorry.  I miss running my own life.  Entering the motherhood arena has its own rewards, but there are pitfalls as well.  It’s supposed to be noble to give up your own life for your child.  My child can have my life, that’s not a problem.  But I will not snuff out the light on my artistic self because it’s not convenient.  Next up, is a bit of daycare so I can do my errands, or get my hair done or go for lunch with someone who doesn’t fling food on the floor.

Let’s face it, the Precious is in control of my life. He’s my little guy.   He smiles up at me and I melt.  I love it when he plays peekaboo with me and pinches an old cel phone between his shoulder and his head (like me).   He runs to me and hugs my leg and cuddles my fleecy bathrobe.

*I realized my ending was a little abrupt – I had hit publish because I had to go – we had to go grocery shopping – and I didn’t realize I never finished my thought.  What I wanted to say was this:

I adore raising this little boy.  My husband has worked very hard to bring us to this point and I appreciate all his efforts.  I have had to be careful lately about what I say because my spoken ruminations sound like negativity to him.  Perhaps it is, but what I really needed was someone to talk to about how I feel.  I’m not depressed, I’m just stuck.  And sometimes I wonder if my back problems reflect my inner turmoil as well as my spare tire.

Yesterday I had an audition (yes, on a Sunday) and of course, I wasn’t as prepared as I wanted to be, family stuff, we had had friends over the night before and I had to ask DH to run lines with me just before I had to go.  I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, a mother of a 3 year old and we sat down on the couch to talk after we had finished auditioning.  She listened, she understood, she nodded her head and offered practical suggestions.  She talked about staying up until the wee hours just so she could decompress from her day, settling herself down, getting the things done she wanted done – of course, only to have her sleep interrupted time and time again.   She realized that some things had to slide, domestic tidiness was not always possible.  She needed to give things up in order to be more present with her child.  More importantly, it was more about giving ourselves permission to grab back chunks of our prior artistic selves, handing the reins of child care to another on a regular basis.  Now this was a woman who was NEVER without her child attached to her. She took attached parenting very seriously.   She carried him EVERYWHERE. At the same time, she and her husband own a business, she has her mother who is debilitated with Alzheimers’ LIVE with her (along with constant caregivers), and she is also an actress.  This woman is BUSY.   She hired someone to just play with her little boy while she did what she had to do and she told me to schedule 5 hours not 3 so I wouldn’t be too rushed if I had to drive to the North Shore that day.

My point is this.  If I can find the time to schedule chiropractic care (of course the pain motivated me to find the time) then I can find the time to schedule my “artistic care”.   And it doesn’t have to be squeezed into the wee hours when I’m tired and spent and everyone else’s needs have been attended to.

My son will continue to have the very best of me.  I have to cultivate the very best in me.  This is my mission.