Tag Archive | Buddhism

Chocolate eggs

Well, the long Easter weekend is over.  I hope you had a nice Easter, though I always wonder if that’s an appropriate adjective – “nice”.  Last week during a Buddhist planning meeting, I tried to explain what Easter was all about and what did it have to do with chocolate eggs to a couple of Japanese members.  I tried to explain that it’s actually a very important Christian holy day and it involved crucifixion and resurrection and that the eggs were really a pagan thing that was thrown in there.  They looked rather confused and horrified with the crucifixion part and stigmata didn’t really seem to go with eating chocolate and wearing pastel colours.    Well, it doesn’t, but western capitalism can provide a silver lining for everything.  I probably could have explained it better and in more detail but it was a BUDDHIST planning meeting and we had things to plan.  It really got me thinking of why I used to really enjoy going to church on Easter.  I liked the resurrection part of the story and the fact that they should have listened to the women and I liked dressing up.

We had DH’s cousin and husband for the weekend.  I was really looking forward to it as his cousin in a whipsmart, bubbling, funny girl and we always have a good laugh when we get together.  As a matter of fact, we were watching a show on hoarders and she actually made me laugh so hard and for so long, I cried and choked and fell to my knees.  (If you have ever seen a show on hoarders, it’s not that funny and it makes you want to throw out stuff!)

They’re a lovely young couple, on the verge of TTC, but I kept my mouth away from any assvice.  I’m not an expert in success in that area, after all.  She was clearly besotted with my son and he in turn.  They went out to a rock show Saturday night and came home late so they weren’t too interested in going to the culture centre with me the next morning.

Once a month, there’s World Peace Gongyo  – we get together at the culture centre to chant for peace – and all over the world, the world, people are chanting at the same time.  My friend and I were leading everyone in singing “I Believe” (the Olympic song).   We even had our Taiko drum group give us a preview of their upcoming performance in a youth festival that will take place in Toronto at Roy Thomson Hall  on May 15th.  Now I know hubby has gone with me to lots of things at the culture centre in the past, and he’s made it clear that he’s no longer interested now that he’s come out of the closet as a raving atheist.  Never mind that a couple of years ago we went to a Christmas church service in the evening (never in the morning cause that’s too early and too inconvenient and half us feel asleep)  with his whole family just because THEY wanted to sing carols. The carols, you know, puts you in that gift bonanza mood.  And no, they don’t go to church any other time to my knowledge.

So I took the Precious.  It always  bothers me a bit when I go to church with family simply because they ask me to and no one every seems to consider returning the favour for me.  And no, it’s not cause I’m trying to convert them.  It’s more about sharing that part of my life with them.  I want them to understand why I chant, what’s special about it.  I want to introduce them to my friends and my community because they are my family.  The real reason it really bothers me is that when I was a kid and we would go to church, my dad would never come in with us.  My dad would drop us off.  He never came at Easter and he never came at Christmas. He just sat at home being a miserable prick.  So it felt that not even once or twice a year, we would sit together as a whole family and share in some positive feelings.  And it hurt.

So that’s why when one of our family members wants me to attend church with them I go.   Not cause I’m trying to get them to do something for me in the future, but to be part of the family.   So when hubby acts like I’m trying to get him or others in a pyramid scheme, I’m hurt, disappointed, and pissed off.  So I don’t ask anymore.  I try to understand that he does so many other things to support my practice (like burn the music CD to so we have something to sing to) and keep my grumbling/guilt tripping to a bare minimum.

As usual, DH’s family are the easiest guests and always offer to help out and they took us out for an early dinner before they left.  I’m always amazed that his family get togethers are generally full of activity and laughter. I look forward to it whenever one of them comes to town.  Envious, too. Mmmm.  We ran out of Cadbury creme easter eggs.  Damn.


This is what I’m doing this week – walking the walk, practising loving kindness as Anna says.  I’m taking a little mental break from trying to “fix” everything.  It’s not like I don’t have other things to do, who couldn’t use some extra time to attend to other things, right?  I certainly have a long list, so all extraneous negativity will have to take a back seat.  So this week, it’s all going to be meditations and physical activity.  Aunt Flo is here to keep me company and remind me  to shed what is not needed.  Bittersweet though that might be.

“I believe that we are put here in human form to decipher the hieroglyphs of love and suffering. and there is no degree of love or intensity of feeling that does not bring with it the possibility of a crippling hurt. but, it is a duty to take that risk and love without reserve or defense.”

by buddhist poet allen ginsburg.

It is important to have a sufficiently elevated life-condition so that you will be able to calmly accept whatever happens in life, striving to put problems into proper perspective and solving them with a positive attitude. Happiness blossoms forth from such a strong and all-encompassing life-condition.

Pres. Ikeda.

The twins

Didn’t make it to yoga yesterday morning but Juno had the touch of the squitters so I elected to stay home and keep an eye on her.  She’s fine, hubby likes to give her things like buffalo bones and they don’t always agree with her.  Miss Juno has a delicate tummy, you see, and she’s been throwing up lately.  Nothing serious, just bile, but it seems to be related to whatever she gets her little mouth on – like eating the cover off a tennis ball, duck poo, said buffalo bones and Terra bones (which never bothered her before, and they’re supposed to be organic treats for dogs but whatever).

So Miss Pessimistic Paranoid (that’s me on the subject of getting a baby) was having a teary fit on her occasional days of work.  I’ve already figured out an exit strategy to avoid telling people the unfortunate news.  I’m going to Bali – Ubud to be specific and I’m going to stay at the Tegal Sari. It’s a local accommodation situated next door to rice paddies, not one worthy of terrorists blowing up.  I’ll be staying for 5 weeks I think – with massages every other day.  The local women will tut tut my sad, childless state and tell me to eat some strange herb.  I’ll do a colonic cleansing – which I swore I’d never do in this lifetime – and go on a master cleanse (another thing I swore I’d never do).  For that, I’ll just have to drink the local water, that should do the trick.  I will lose 15 pounds instantly.  I’ll call on every healer on the island to work their juju on me.  Then I will eat everything that isn’t nailed down.  Should I take a lover?  That could be dicey since I’m married, but hubby will be sad and stoned most likely, so perhaps he won’t mind.  Then I’ll come home, write a book, and go on Oprah and be famous for 15 minutes.   The end.  Please note I have no intention of getting a fertility clinic somewhere to knock me up at the age of 60.

Miss Full of Faith and Optimism also has a plan.  She is much stronger and won’t give in to stinkin’  thinkin’.  She’ll keep busy, keep away from horror stories on the net and take care of her health so that she can pick up her kid and not throw her back out.  She’ll work hard, make money and read bedtime stories with dramatic flair. She’ll hang out with her friend at the local Starbucks with gigantic strollers blocking the path and bitch about being tired and finding the right nanny/au pair so we can get our pedicures done in peace.  We’ll pretend they’ll grow up together, fall in love and make mocha babies.  Oh, yes, I’m sure my friends’ baby is a girl, she hasn’t mentioned anything yet but I bet ya they know the sex and aren’t saying anything to me cause it’s a girl.

I need to flesh out more details on the good news dream.  This is my one big regret:  this is not who I was 5 years ago.  The uber positive, good things happen to good people woman.  Buddhism teaches that no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages;  that I shouldn’t abandon faith just because it seems the gods have forsaken me.  This matter of infertility and childlessness has been my companion for so long, that’s it’s difficult for me to perceive a life without either of these things being my focus.  Even if I don’t talk about it much, even if I don’t feel sad about it, it’s like this background noise that I can never quite tune out.

I also want to say thank you for all your support now and in the future.  Cause I’m going to need it folks.  And now for something that just makes me smile.


One officially adopted dog