Health karma

I was referred to an endocrinologist after telling my doctor that I was super frustrated at not being able to lose weight.  Knowing I’ve had a high A1C for years and a family history of diabetes, I wasn’t exactly sure she was sending me there for preventative treatment or weight loss.  Turns out it was a little of both.  The doctor recommended a series of blood tests( blood sugar fasting,  and after a sugary drink, etc)  and talked to me about going on diabetes medication for weight loss.  Either an injectable drug or metformin.  I was not crazy about the idea.  It felt like failure to me.  It felt like face it it’s just a question of time, you have diabetes, might as well get used to it sort of thing.   My common sense was saying, well, you’ve tried everything else, why not try it?

When I got the test results back, my A1C had crept up a bit more, just one point out of range but I was so upset.  I talked to my husband about it and that turned out to be a huge mistake.  I did not get the response I wanted.  The first thing out of his mouth was, “Well, you’re never going to change your diet”.  And then proceeded to be defensive when I replied that I expected him to be supportive and reassuring.  He asked me what did I mean by being supportive, what did it have to do with him?  It was like he was angry.   I was dumbfounded, honestly.  Somehow he had missed that I had changed my diet, frankly I’m the only one who prepares and eats vegetables, salad and cooks from scratch.  As a matter of fact, I have often cooked 3 different meals for dinner.  Adding starches for his meal, vegetables for mine and a separate meal for my picky eater son.  I rarely eat rice anymore, no potatoes, hardly have bread anymore.

Then I understood.  He blamed me, it was my own fault, I was still overweight and so it was my own fault.

I had gone back to Weight Watchers last year and lost about 5 lbs in about 4  months.  The weight would go down a pound or two, then would go back up a pound.  Back and forth.  I’m listening to women talking about counting fucking almonds and I snapped.  I was working out on a spin bike, my knees were throbbing in pain, but I took ibuprofen and carried on, I walked the dog,  I’m counting my points and eating disgusting frozen 6 point meals for lunch.  I lost motivation.  I actually remember when.  I had changed the day of my meeting/weigh in and this particular team leader wasn’t as good as the other one.  She asked,”So what do you do when you get stressed out?”  I answered, “I eat.”  She just gave me this blank stare as if I had said the craziest thing.  Perhaps she was thinking I was scarfing down a Big Mac and fries, I don’t know.  Candy is my thing.  But I quit after that.

This past fall, I was doing really well.  I was up early, chanting, then taking my son to a new school for a program for dyslexia, then walking in the mountains with a group of ladies with our dogs.  I was weaning myself off of the candy binges, I was sleeping great, oh yeah, no weight loss, but I was content.  I was getting lots of acting work, made it through Christmas albeit with lots of wine.  Gained a few pounds but lost it when I put away the wine and chocolates.

And so now what?  I went back to the endocrinologist to discuss myL results which were a little out of range on a few things.  For instance, I was low on Vitamin D.   She suggested that if I didn’t want to go on metformin then I should try the ketogenic diet.  I was a little surprised she endorsed that, but it’s worth a shot.  I need to retake another creatinine blood test as it indicates there’s a little more protein than there should be.  Kidney problems?  Is it connected with diabetes?  That I supposedly don’t have yet.  Then I went back to my naturopath to discuss the results.  At least with her I can talk more than 5 minutes. Did a urine test there and still a bit of protein found.  Hmmm.

I joined a gym.  And I actually started going.  Once last week and twice this week.  It’s spring break now so the kid is off school and his grandmother came to visit for a couple of days.  We’re off to walk the dog in the driving rain. He wants to ride his bike, which means I have to put the hitch on.  This should be interesting.

I’m so fucking tired right now.