Home sweet, ohmigod, I gotta clean – home.

So our little holiday is over.  Oh, well, it was really nice.  Just what we needed.  To slow down.  To appreciate.  Not the usual vacations I’m used to taking.  Usually DH and I would visit a place and try to see and do everything we possibly can.  On Galiano, there’s not that much to do except hike, whale watch and dive.  It brought back a lot of memories of when we went there with Sampson.  Happy times.

We just spent time walking the rocky shores, exploring the shoreline.   There are 3 provincial parks, one of which we visited because it had a nice easy half hour walk through the trees and then a beach where we could sit and soak up the sunshine.    We hiked a lot, DH carrying the Precious in a carrier backpack.  We did go back to a spot we had found the last time we were there.  There’s a short trail that leads you to a beautiful little stretch of sandy beach, but the last part of the trail is so steep that the ropes someone put there are vital to keep you from falling and breaking your leg.  It’s secluded and the water is clear of those sharp black shells that can cost you a very expensive trip to the vet.  Juju went crazy dashing up and down splashing in the water and the DH held the Precious’ hand as he balanced on the logs.  He pointed at the giant ferries that went by and pointed to the seaplanes in the air.

Kids don’t need a lot of toys when they have new places to explore.  There’s always caterpillars to watch and marvel at or sticks to carry around or rocks to pick up.  When I have more time, I will post some photos.

DH made a point of really taking over and entertained the Precious, so I could just read a book, or take a nap.  They really are two peas in a pod. I would peek through the window and just watch them walk around the property.  The hosts found a little toddler ATV for the Precious and he loved it!  He was in charge of his very own car!   DH did have to do some work while the Precious had his afternoon nap, so I can’t say I got the attention I really wanted.  It was okay though, I just relaxed and took advantage of my alone time.  I was kinda hoping for a visit to the local spa for a birthday treat, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get to go to my usual place in town.

I’m having my first Buddhist meeting here this afternoon so I have to go tidy up a bit.  Later.

 

Simple pleasures

Welcome ICLW folks, read the street cred for quick back info.

I’m actually on vacation – which for me doesn’t mean leaving my laptop at home.  Horrors!  Oooh, it’s tough putting it down.  So I gotta make this quick.  We’re staying at a fantastic house rental on Galiano Island where there isn’t much to do except visit rocky shores, sit on a log and hike a mountain.  We had hoped to drive to the States, maybe do the Oregon Coast, but the Precious does not have a passport and we’re still waiting on his permanent residency.

We need to not do much of anything except hang out as a family.  DH and the Precious are like two peas in a pod.  I have my time alone.  I nap.  Drink coffee.  Watch them.   Take pictures.  Make salad.  Try not to cringe when the Precious brings a caterpillar in a Pringles can to me.  The weather has been variable, but it’s not raining so I’m not complaining.   I had a lovely birthday/Father’s Day cause they happened to fall on the same day this year.  Oh, I was loathe to give up my princess day but hey, it wasn’t so bad.  I brought a fine Australian shiraz along called Woop Woop.  Thought that was appropriate.  And a bottle of Smirnoff Pomegranate martini.  (OMG, it was f*** delicious over crushed ice.) Which is now empty.

DH is a great dad and he deserves breakfast in bed.  Well, he didn’t get that, but I made coffee and gave him the gift I brought along.  A framed photo of him and the Precious.  And he’d have another gift except Canada Post is on strike so that gift didn’t arrive before we left.  A different kind of “gift” did arrive. That’s right, my period.  Well, at least I’m in a better mood anyway.

This is nice, though, really nice.  We really needed this.  I’ll write more later.

Sunny with cloudy periods

Yes, spring is finally here.  Things are a bit easier for me with the Precious, meaning his ever changing toddler ways have evened out a bit to let his poor mum catch up.  His sleeping habits have normalized.  As long as he gets outside and burns off his energy, he’s good to go.  He now goes to bed later but sleeps longer in the mornings and sometimes he rouses a bit in the early mornings (letting me know he’s got a lovely bouquet waiting for me) and then he goes back to sleep.  He has a nasty tendency to sleep in when it’s daddy’s turn to get up with him and waking up at 6am when it’s raining outside and I’m dog tired.  I try not to take it personally, but it’s hard.

The day after I shot the commercial I was having one of those epic sleeps –  solid, restful and dreaming about pleasant things and he woke up in  a crappy, crying mood and all I could do was mentally curse and get immediately pissed.  Then of course, it was an epic battle to get his diaper changed (a common trend) and get the day started and I had to work very hard to put on my grateful attitude.  I would have loved to grab him and put him in bed with me for a snuggle, but he’s not that kind of kid.  If he’s up, he’s up and moving, cuddling is boring.

But that’s the exception, not the rule.  He seems to understand an inordinate amount of information coming at him.  He’s not using actual words that much.  He says mama, dada, wow, yay, up, nana,  (for both his Nanny and banana) and NO, but he’s more comfortable pointing and shaking his head no and nodding yes when asked if he wants something.   And since I ask him a few times, I’m sure he means it and not just doing it for the hell of it.  He actually seems shy to talk.  Sometimes when I’m trying to get him to say something, he just smiles and looks away.   He loves to wave bye bye and slam the door in my face.  He also signs for more and please.  This is amazing cause I’d pretty much given up on signing since I was the only one doing it.  But he’s understanding he gets what he wants when he does it. If daddy says something like “be nice”, he’s more apt to comply.  With me, I may have to chase him around a bit but I’ve learned to be more stern and make sure I really get eye to eye contact from him.  This method works better than yelling. Short and clear directives are the key.  And the key to my heart is when my little guy smooches me goodnight.  That always gets me.

He’s now running, climbing up on chairs, climbing stairs, and insists on doing it on his own first. I’m learning to let him have a try putting on his socks and shoes and then asking him if he wants my help.  This often leads to 20 minute exits, but I pick and choose my battles.   He can throw a ball forward with accuracy and he can actually catch it as well.  He is really looking at your face for the inevitable yay reaction instead of the actual ball, but he’s getting better every day.  When we can’t find the dog collar or some other object, we ask him and he inevitably knows where it is because he’s moved it somewhere.

Things with DH are somewhat better.  I am feeling better about going out to work and going to class but you can see DH struggle with the fact that we even have a sitter.  Not that he knows any couple that does without one.  We talk mainly about the kid, but his parents came for a visit so we went out for the evening to dinner and a movie and actually stayed out til 11pm.  It was nice, but then the next day, it was back to the same sort of pointless bickering.  This time DH has got an axe to grind and he’s just waiting to catch me on something. He wants to hear me say, you’re right, I’m wrong.   About ANYTHING.  And I really thought he was trying to make an effort.  He says he’s tired of me biting his head off.  I don’t think I’m doing that, I think I’m disagreeing with him without using the words dear and sweetheart and your royal highness preceding my comment.  He could be right about that, he could be right about a lot of things, I just find it interesting that he seems to only want to be right than actually hear the why’s behind it all and how he could change a little bit.

Well, of course, this week, he’s super busy at work, I’ve got class scheduled and I’m working two more nights but starting mid afternoon and now we can’t get the sitter because she’s graduating this week. Congratulations to her, but now I feel bad for screwing up everyone’s schedule.   What can you do?  Note to self, hire another sitter, because you never know. So no class for me this week.  Good news is we’re all  going away for a much-needed holiday on Friday for a week.  Please pray it doesn’t rain, folks.

The sweet life

It’s a sweet life indeed when you can go to work on set for a commercial and be home 4 hours later.  I played a teacher with elementary school kids.  I caught myself on tape – and all I can say is omigod, my face is in profile and so are my double chins…ohimigod, I’m fat again.  The C sized pantyhose they got me did not fit so I went without and a touch of body makeup to cover my scars, and off I went.  By afternoon I was back at home and doing dishes.  Ah, the glamorous life.

Opening up

DH and I FINALLY had a talk.  It went relatively well.  It was one of those mornings where I was up early and my mind was clear and I thought I could say everything I wanted to say in  a clear, direct manner.  DH was up as well and not yet on the move to go to work. The kid was still asleep.  It seemed like the perfect time.  I prefaced the whole thing but asking him not to speak until I had finished – a rare event – but it worked.  I got it all out, how I had been feeling, why I had been feeling that way and making it clear that saying “What’s your problem?!” was not helping.  I kept my tears at a minimum.  I pointed out that he seemed only willing to share his frustration and anger but not his vulnerability  and tenderness which until I had actually said, it occured to me that that was exactly what I was missing from him.

Then he had his turn.  Of course, typically, he didn’t actually acknowledge what I had said (oh, lord, does this remind me of my father), but he unloaded as well.  In short form, he was burnt out and tired and at times just didn’t want to deal with me as well.

Sound familiar  – yep, honey, that’s my point, we don’t want to deal with each other.  So we just shut down.  This was a great start.  Communication has always been our problem.  We don’t talk enough about the things that matter.  Oh, yes, we talk about the care and feeding of the kid incessantly.  And the care and feeding of the dog.  Take this to the laundry, where’s this and what about that?  That gets said, but not much else at the end of the day.  Our respective families always turn to us when they have a problem.  We are both the contact person when the shit hits the fan.  Shit is always hitting the fan.  We never ask others for help.

In my case, I eat. Anger, boredom, sadness, fatigue – it’s all in my tummy and thighs.  Feelings of invisibility lead to wanting to be invisible.  Which brings me back to …. I’m at the weight I was a few years ago.  Again.  Oi.  Can’t say I have any physiological reason other than I ATE my way there.  When your world shrinks to that of your household, one can go a little bit crazy.  I love being part of the world, being part of community and friends.  I feel connected and energized.  I stay home when I want to recharge but home these days is my workplace.   So I never stop working.  I bloomed doing youth activities with Buddhist organization and also with my hanging out with my acting peers.   I was plugged into such positive energy, creative energy, I was heard and respected and acknowledged for the value I could bring to the table.

Becoming a mother, for me, has meant slowing down, staying home, putting the focus on nurturing this incredible little being.  His schedule trumps all.  I don’t regret it AT ALL, but it’s obvious that I haven’t handled the isolation at all very well.  Even as a women’s group member in my district, the onus is on taking care of the members in your district, your home, so to speak.  So even in that respect, my world shrunk even more.  Not working in the arena that I was comfortable in, has dealt my ego a serious blow.  Being expected to take care of the kid, the home, the dog, my mum,  means my needs aren’t so important anymore. This is not news to me, I get it.   I’m a woman.  Ah, life.  Suck it up, buttercup.

On the moving forward from here train, I signed up for acting classes again, been making it to the gym more often, the weather is improving so we are getting out of the house more.  Hubby and I are going on a diet.  No more treat gorging at night!  We’re going on vacation in a couple of weeks and – I booked a gig! Finally – yay for me!  It’s a commercial for the phone company.  As a matter of fact, I’ve got ten minutes to shower, and get some stuff down before I leave for world peace gongyo and a wardrobe call.

You know, I may have been a bitch lately, but that’s not such a bad thing, is it?  If I don’t speak up, I don’t get what I want.  I just EAT what I want.  And what I don’t want is to eat up and swallow my discontent.  Though, I have to say that chocolate covered discontent is mighty tasty.