I’d travel a country mile….

I got to see two of my very favourite people in this world – Annacyclopedia from I Am Vulnerable and the amazing C.  I’d travel the globe to see them and boy, did we.  We decided to meet in this ocean front town called White Rock.  I hadn’t been there in years probably because when you live in this city you have the beach mere minutes away.  The drive was nice though.  I felt like I was on a grand adventure and I was so excited. The Precious caught my cold last week, so he still had a runny nose but he was in a fine mood.

Ohmigosh, those big saucer cornflower blue eyes – you could get lost in them (they both have them)! Oh, C if you only knew you when you were a just a dream.  C has grown so much – it was only yesterday that both the Precious and C lay side by side on my couch like lumps and now they are both walking and talking.  Well, C is that’s for sure.  I was very impressed, he said my son’s name!  Mind you, if he hung out with me for too long he would be cursing like a sailor.

We went for a coffee and scone in a nearby bakery while the kids took a gander at each other from across the table.  Annacyclopedia can actually ninja breastfeed!  One second she’s ordering coffee, the next her kid is having a little sip and she hasn’t missed a beat.  How does she do that?!  The Precious had had enough of being strapped into a seat so he made himself at home on my lap and tasted jam with a fork and stared at our friends.  Eventually, he decided he needed to walk about and found willing female fingers to hang onto while he toured the tasty display case. He’s quite the social butterfly and has an eye for the ladies.

It was so great just laying eyes on her.  She is such a warm and lovely woman.  It’s funny having a blogger friend because there are so many things that we don’t know about each other.  It’s not like we grew up together and we live thousands of kilometres apart.  However, we know the important stuff.  We know each other’s hearts, you know?  We shared a journey, a connection and so I feel that I can just be myself with her.

We went on a walk in the windy, cold weather (the kids not caring one bit!) and took shelter by the veritable big white rock and talked a bit.  Of course, I had packed everything but a camera, but Annacyclopedia had her trusty Iphone so she snapped some pics.  My kid is of course, has grabbed a huge stick and experiments with it by poking C and tosses rocks at him.  Lovely.  Luckily, he is not averse to instructions to do otherwise.

Before we knew it, it was time to say goodbye – it was naptime, alas!  We hugged goodbye and went on our way.  I wanted to say so much more to her but I encouraged her to write more posts.  Like a lot of mothers, she has so much to say and so very little time.  We have to steal moments away from all our other obligations, and sometimes ruminating and writing out our deep thoughts doesn’t always seem…well… necessary.

On the way home, I hoped I didn’t sound so complaining.  I have to admit, I’m floundering a bit.  With no particular creative project with others, I feel a bit directionless, without meaningful WORK, do you know what I mean?  I’ve had two auditions recently and no word about either of them.  Silence.  I’m BORED.  Lonely.  So I have a tendency to whine.

Well, the Precious is making his dolphin noises, I must be off.  The sun is shining and so I must carpe diem and all that.

Thanks, A & C for the visit, you made my heart smile.

Easter break

enjoying the sunshine

Hope y’all had a lovely Easter weekend.  We went to the in-laws on the island and enjoyed the sunshine. It was nice to have a little time away from the usual four walls.   I had a massive cold to contend with, but I kept topped up with Neo Citran, NyQuil and cold pills.  I got a lot of hands free time while the Precious was being enjoyed by the grandparents.   He certainly does enjoy the attention.  We went to a petting zoo and it was interesting to watch him interact with the animals.  He wasn’t quite sure what to do with the baby goats.  So he watched the other (human)kids and then picked up a brush, looked up at Nanny for the okay and then brushed the the baby goat.  Overall, he enjoyed being the one that people fawned over.  We fed the ducks and he fed himself as well.

By Saturday it was apparent that the Precious had caught my cold and we made plans to leave as early as possible the next day.  I hate to think that I gave it to him but it was inevitable really.  He seems to be taking it pretty well, snotty nose notwithstanding.  DH has been hovering over him being the doting father.

We came home to rain, but I don’t mind.  As I’ve said before I adore my spending time with my in-laws, but if I  try to spend any time on my own, it always gets pointed out.   I lugged along my dearest laptop (I’m addicted, it’s true). Had to squeeze in some blog reading, Lexulous and looking up obscure songs for them.   I did get a chance to read a couple of magazines (oh, joy, oh, bliss) and I did drive alone to a nearby mall (where I just bought cold pills and sunglasses for the Precious) and straight back lest I appear anti-social.  I invited my MIL but I know she loathes walking up and down the aisles just browsing (just like hubby), so she stayed behind. I like my alone time, driving down the highway with the tunes on, the sun shining.  It recharges my batteries.

I can see where women get a little squirrely – when you don’t have another arena to express your abilities, it’s pretty easy to feel like nobody sees the real you anymore.

Good news!

Good news!  Okay, so other than waking up with a cold yesterday, I am perfectly healthy.  The whole mammogram/ultrasound testing took hours.  The technician actually called me back into the x-ray 5 times. We even switched to another x-ray machine.   I can’t say my right breast has ever had that much action lately.  Squeeze.  Squeeze.  Squish, squish, squeeze.   All that was missing was the martinis and disco ball.  Then on to the ultrasound which lasted a lot longer than the last one. She says to look the other way but I can’t see the screen so I’m staring at the open ceiling tiles and chanting silently.   Silence.  Mmmm, then the technician goes to take the x-rays and her report to the radiologist.  For 20 minutes.  Swell.  I sit up and sneak a look at the pics that were still on the screen.  That cyst was still there.  A dark forboding circle.  I’m alternating rehearsing what I’m going to say to my husband about having cancer and saying daimoku and telling myself I’m fine and back to psyching myself up for chemo.

She finally comes back and says, get dressed, you’re fine, see you next year.  What?  No explanation, no nothing.  I leave feeling not quite relieved, but in a bubble.  Of course, I will return to my doctor for a follow up to get her to explain a little more.  I’m assuming my breasts are quite dense and hence all the thorough followup.  I need a little denouement, please.

I text hubby and let him know that everything’s okay.  Back at home, it’s back to dinner preparations, and feeling like crap cause I have a cold. I celebrated by having chocolate and Nyquil.

Can’t say I’m ever been so thrilled to have a cold.

Making changes

Thank you everyone for your daimoku, prayers and positive vibes.  I ended up cancelling the thermogram.  I took the Precious to visit my doctor so that we could talk about it and for a change, I actually listened to her.  I would have just obsessed about it all weekend anyway, wondering what this meant or that meant and I’d still have to go to the ultrasound/mammogram appointment anyway.  She did a breast exam on me, didn’t find anything alarming, but assured me that if it was more along the lines of  HIGH suspicion instead of  LOW suspicion, that would have referred me to a biopsy. So I’m going on pure faith that I will be just fine and if not, I’ll deal with that when I need to.

DH took the next day off to bond with the Precious and I went to the spa and had my snitch snatched, eyebrow threaded and the talons on my feet attended to.  Then after running a few errands,  I went for a lovely 75 minute massage by a woman  I know who did wonders for my back before.  Honestly, it felt like I was doing something naughty, like skipping school.  I felt like that guy on Ferris Bueller who wanted to relax and have fun but had the clock ticking down in his head.

Then I had an absolutely brutal discussion with hubby about money. I sat down and told him that I had been feeling out of control lately and wanted to get involved with our financial life.  I had printed out some papers for a monthly budget and asset/liability sheet.  Now instead of actually listening, I was treated to a lecture that basically went over the old, dead horse of how I don’t make enough money, my career is basically over,how much money we had spent during IVF and adoption,  how I don’t understand that there’s nothing left over to save, how we can’t afford a gardener or for that matter, even a sitter. That I want this and that and we can’t afford a million dollar home, I go through money and how he doesn’t even have decent business pants and he never gets anything for himself.  Funny how the dog gets adventure hikes, but I get flack for wanting to do an acting class.  He doesn’t seem to realize that when I was in a regular class, I actually worked more.

Of course, I persisted.  This is the part I hate about my husband.  He’s a yeller, though his volume is not loud, you still end up feeling like you’ve been yelled at.  Yes, I told I didn’t appreciate his condescending tone. I told him he needed to focus on the here and now and what I was trying to accomplish.  Never mind that he always ends up making the decisions on how our money is being spent.  Sure, he asks me, but ultimately, he’s the one that controls it. Which is probably why we don’t have a plan for the future.  He’s just upset and defensive because I am implying that I can do a better job of handling our money.  He thinks I’m just an artsy fartsy bored housewife with delusions of grandeur.  Yep, I can see how he would get that impression.

Those days are now over.  I now have a debit card on his account. A spreadsheet on his business portfolio.  He wrote me a  cheque for 10% of his pay.  And I have starting saving that  money in an account he doesn’t have access to.  He’s right about one thing, we BOTH go through a LOT OF CASH in a month.  Oh, the bills get paid and the debt is attended to, but I have no idea exactly where all the rest goes.  And neither does he.  It’s hard to factor my income into a budget since it’s not a sure thing.  Some months I make money, some I don’t make any.  He thinks that since he has no hobbies or outside interests, that all my stuff needs to get cut from the budget.  We have a kid now and so therefore my needs are not important.  Remember when I talked about that when you become a mother, you just seem to disappear bit by bit.  Mother as noble martyr routine.

Guess what, I’m still going to get a sitter.  We have no friends or family nearby and as I told hubby, I obviously can’t expect him to take days off work or expect my MIL to travel from the island every time.  I have to go these medical appointments tomorrow afternoon and guess who’s taking the afternoon off to stay with the kid?  So apparently I don’t just need a sitter so I can go shopping.   I set up an interview today. As for the gardening, my friend will help me with that.  I already paid the lawn service guys to clean up the mess, so they just have one more visit to do.  Watch me get a free lawnmower.

His birthday was spent – at home – with a lovely dinner cooked by me.  I gave him a zero gravity lounger so he could enjoy not sitting in when he’s out back with the kid.  Believe or not, he’s been extremely loving and attentive the whole weekend.

The Queen has spoken.

Waiting again

Just when I thought it was safe to continue my present grousing and growing.  Got a phone call this morning just before I went in to get the Precious ready for the day.  I need to go back for another ultrasound and mammogram.  That office would be in contact with me.  Like I was going to wait for that!  How fortunate I am that they want to be so thorough, I’m sure they are just checking to see if the cyst has cleared up, right?  I have to be honest, I haven’t paid much attention to my breasts – oh, I used to – but since the arrival of the Precious, my attention has been with  him.

I started our day with as much  cheer as I could muster, the Precious back to his regular smiling self.  I have to admit, tears pooled in my eyes as he chattered away at me.  I had taken him to the doctor’s yesterday cause he had a particular rough time of it with teething. He had a touch of diarrhea, poor appetite, more than usual crankiness and clinginess and one morning last week drank several cups of cold water upon waking up.   I suspected a fever but of course, I could not get a reliable temperature with all his moving around.  Both ear and armpit methods scored a low temp.  So I went by the hand on the forehead method and gave him Advil, which worked.  The doctor took a throat swab and got an accurate normal temp while he was busy flirting with her.  Could have been a bug, could be strep throat, whatever it was, he’s back to normal mischief.  I asked if she had received my ultrasound report hoping not to make an unnecessary visit.  No, not yet, but she told me that if there was anything to be concerned about, she’d call.

She didn’t call, but her office assistant did.  I left a message for her to call me back, but was advised she probably wouldn’t, so that means I’m going back to her office tomorrow.  Well, then.  I guess it’s back into the unknown again for me.  Fuck.  Why do these things almost always involve waiting over a weekend?

Of course, I can’t be left with NOTHING to do so I called the mammography centre and made an appointment for both the ultrasound and mammogram next Tuesday.  I could have gotten in earlier for another mammo tomorrow but why not get it all done in one day and perhaps live in denial for DH’s birthday on Saturday?  Then I made an appointment for a breast thermogram on Friday.  Not sure why I did that since it can’t be used for any definitive diagnosis but I read a bunch of stuff and decided it would be  better than waiting.  I think. I think.   And then of course, I scheduled a pedicure, bikini, wax, eyebrow threading and a massage for my back in for good measure.  Cause it’s important to be tidy when you have a giant knot in your gut.  Yes, I’m going to be dumping a whole lot of money that day, folks. Might even buy some shoes.     I talked to DH who is on his way back and asked him to take a day off of work.  I really don’t know what else I can do at this point, I’m feeling neglected so I need a day to take care of myself.

I also need to take my mum in to get her hair done (her hair is so bad it’s started to lock) on Saturday and then of course, it’s DH’s birthday and I’m going to give it my best effort.  I tried to get a friend to sit the Precious that night, but she has the flu.  Swell.  I guess we’ll be doing family dining, which will suit DH just fine.

DH says I’m fine, I’m not going anywhere.  I wish I felt reassured.  I chanted instead.  That helped a bit.

Blooming

DH is away on business, 6 days and though he’s managed to shave a couple days off, it feels like a long one.  Of course, he hasn’t slept a night all the way through since DH left.  The Precious is teething and he’s been waking up crying and miserable and going to bed crying and miserable.   Of course, as I dramatically recount this early morning screaming where I’m chanting for the strength  to holding his flailing body and not throw my back out; so I have to put him down and listen to the world is coming to an end screeching so I can get the Advil and bottle prepared.   Of course, 3 hours later, he is his usually sunny self.  No grudges held.

Hubby is  quick to point out that he hasn’t had such a bad time of it since he was 6 months old.  And that I need to get tougher on him and not let him walk all over me.  Cause he doesn’t ever have those kind of days with him.

Ahem.  Thanks for that.  What on earth am I “complaining” about?  I guess I should just say how perfect my halcyon days are with him.  How easy and full of shits & giggles our days are.  Well, score one for the kid on the divide and conquer method.

Well, he asked how my day was, I told him.

I just wanted to vent a little.  Get a little sympathy. Pat on the back for hanging in there. Doing a good job, you know?   Be heard and acknowledged for my work day.  Instead I got, oh, poor little guy, but you know, he doesn’t had days like that very often compared to other kids, it’s nothing really. Nothing.

True, the little guy is spectacularly healthy and delightful.  A dream to take to a restaurant or a friend’s house.  I should be able to handle this. This is not difficult.  You must be doing something wrong.  He didn’t say any of this, but it’s what I heard. I changed the subject and got off the phone. Am I being oversensitive?

A few weeks ago, I told hubby I was lonely.  He just told me that I should…..blah, blah, blah.  He missed the point.  I’ve been more direct since.  I hope he was paying attention.

There are spectacular cherry blossoms in the neighbourhood, I can’t help but notice how beautiful they are.

 

ABC meme for fun

This is just for fun, I rarely have the time or interest to do them but I could use some lightness…..Thanks LB!

A. Age: 47 and I’ll deny it if you tell anybody

B. Bed size: King

C. Chore you dislike: Washing dishes.

D. Dogs: the fabulous Juno aka Junebug, Princess Juno, Juju

E. Essential start to your day: coffee.  I said COFFEE!!!! Peace and quiet (hah), laptop, daimoku!

F. Favorite color: don’t have just one anymore, but cranberry, grey, orange and purple are constants.

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5’7″ or 168 cm.

I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano, viola, trumpet (badly), guitar (badly) and I haven’t played any of them since I was in school.

J. Job title: Buddhist with an Edge, Unemployed actor, Notetaker

K. Kids: the Precious!

L. Live: Vancouver

M. Mom’s name: Ada

N. Nicknames: Raisin (only hubby uses this, he’s Peanut)

O. Overnight hospital stays: Two.  One for uterine embolization.  Oh, yeah, and the next night for when I got uterine embolization syndrome  – PAIN!

P. Pet peeves: People texting while they’re crossing the road.  And people crossing the road while dressed in black in the pouring rain at night expecting I can see them.
Q. Quote from a movie: Lord of the Rings: Two Towers: “How has it come to this?”

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.”

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Older sister, younger sister.

T. Time you wake up: depends on you know who.  Usually 7am.

U. Underwear: bikini or whatever covers my ass the most.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: onions, green peppers.

W.What makes you run late: Dawdling, trying to fit in one more thing before I leave.

X. X-rays you’ve had: pelvis (naturally), back, elbow, foot, boobs.

Y. Yummy food you make: lamb roast, molten lava cakes, veggie curry.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: not particulary fond of zoos, but I saw an Australian sun bear once in San Diego.  That was cool.

Now it is YOUR turn…. let me know if you do this one & I’ll come visit!

Precious time

I’m taking a sigh of relief here – my ultrasound revealed a cyst – nothing to worry about in other words.  I will follow up with my doctor in a couple of weeks.  Thank Buddha!  I’ve been keeping busy all week, only giving in to groping my right breast a few times.  I tell you, there’s nothing like watching someone wither away from breast cancer to give you perspective.  I had been putting off my mammogram because of one thing or another, not the  right time in my cycle, I was moving, etc.  Please, if you have never gotten one, get to it right away.  In my humble opinion, it’s a useful tool and it doesn’t really hurt.  I don’t have the biggest knockers but at worst, it’s like a hard pinch, but it’s quite momentary.  Getting a pap test is more uncomfortable. Mammograms catch about 85% of all breast cancers, so it’s not perfect, but it’s worth it.

As usual, DH acted like it was a no brainer, but I had tears of relief in my eyes.  I know women who have survived breast cancer and I know of one good friend who died from it.   I don’t think I’m that special to be exempt from it.  Hubby had delayed leaving for a business trip so he could be there and manage the Precious.  By the time the Precious had woken up from his afternoon nap, his dad was gone and he was wailing against the basement door looking for his dad.  I had to take him downstairs and walk around to show him his dad was not around.    I took him to the park and on the way, the tears fell.  In gratitude.  For my life, for the opportunity to just enjoy having a child in our lives.  I just want to see him grow up.  I told my husband earlier that I wish I had ten more years.  Meaning, I wish I had been a mother 10 years ago.  Of course, we tried.  Lord knows, we tried.    Oddly enough, I had been sorting through a box and had come across my Fertility Friend temp charts from 2004.  I thought I had shredded the cursed things.  Reminders of the past.

Moving on.  My daimoku this morning was deep, sincere and directly from my heart.  Start again.  Begin again,  I thought, ask for what you want.  From everyone.  From your husband, from your kid, from myself.  I’m not willing to slide from one day into the next, adjusting my schedule to suit everyone else except myself.  Life’s too short.  Too precious, in a manner of speaking.

I used to be interesting

I don’t often talk about what the Precious is up to cause, dammit, my blog is about me! However, part of talking about him is my way of counting my blessings.  He makes me happy in such a simple way.  As far as he’s concerned, he’s the centre of the universe.  In a way, he’s right.  Friggin’ kid.

This week he’s displaying lovely oppositional behaviour.  Most times, he’s great at diaper change especially when he’s had a lovely poo, but increasingly, he wants to dictate WHEN he going to be changed.  I would prefer a compliant, communicative child, but apparently, he could be 45 and that still wouldn’t happen.    Seems he would rather try to buckle the straps of his diaper pad and anything interrupting that will cause him to squeal and tripod like he’s being tortured.  He’s also resisting changing clothes.  I’m not the most patient in the morning, so often I just let him run around pantless or shirtless for a while cause there is nothing more demoralizing to me than battling with him first thing in the morning.  My constitution is weak in the mornings.  I need coffee and food.  And good hair.

This I’ve discovered is par for the course as I try to stop him from throwing the dog food around, upending the Juno’s waterbowl, or whatever shenanigans he’s attempting  when I’m not looking at him.  He also loves playing peekaboo.  He’s still not talking.  Babbling, squealing, pointing, mewling, yes, but nothing on purpose.  It almost seems deliberate in his refusal to mimic me.  I ask him to say HE-LO and he just smiles at me and looks away.  He understands quite a bit. He can follow simple, short directions.   He will retrieve my slippers, his slippers, give things to Juno, pick things up (when he feels like it).  If I call his first and last name, he’ll stop and come over to me because of my tone.  He’s very interested in how things WORK.  He will copy my everyday   actions. Untwisting a bottle cap, turning on the vacuum, etc.  Yep, he’s managed to use my cell phone to send texts to our landline.  Don’t ask me how.  Obsessed with pushing buttons on phone and the remote.  And if the phone happens to ring, he hands it over to me.  He’ll pinch the phone between his head and shoulder like I do.

Letting him run around a bit with some baby puffs before attempting a proper breakfast seems to be working for us.  I save my toddler wrangling for when we need to go and walk the dog.  This involves a bit of a chase.  I’m not sure why (other than he finds it entertaining) but we do this every day.  I get his shoes and his coat and then wrangle him onto my lap. Brute force is usually needed.  Then into the stroller and his beloved buckles and then I get ready. I choose appropriate gear for outside.  Hikers or wellies?  Vest or raingear?   Keys, cell phone, poop bags, slingbag stashed underneath the stroller (oh a dirge for the fashionable purses of yesteryear), then collar the dog, harness and leash, make sure all the lights are off and try to get the giant stroller and the dog out the door and down the steps.  This whole thing can take 10-15 min depending on how well I’m organized.

DH often comments that I do talk about him a lot when we have friends over – as in, too much.  I have now given him the official word that he can now STOP reminding me if I talk too much about the kid.  The fact of the matter is that I just like to TALK to anyone who will listen.  I’m not sure he realizes that he spends a lot of time talking to me just about the kid.  Occasionally, he talks about his work, but I can’t often add anything to that, unless he’s stressed about something or someone.  My work of transcribing is well, dull.  And believe it or not, confidential.  Which is funny cause it’s pretty boring stuff to talk about anyway. I could talk about the shocking state of my eyebrows and hair, my breasts, or the amount of dog hair under the couch, but that would be complaining.  What I do all day…. involves the kid and the dog.  Period.   So…… phffft!……my next project is to find other stuff to talk about.

My friend recently celebrated her 40th birthday with a list of 40 things to do this year – I’m 150 so I should have a lot of things to list!

Raining

The in-laws have come and gone and as usual, I am expected to fit my life around others. I’ll spare you the long rant where the same courtesy was not extended to me.   I still had some transcribing work to do but of course, hubby insisted I sit and socialize.  I really do enjoy my in-laws, but sometimes I wish I could just check into a spa and not come out for two days.  We did enjoy a night out, dinner and a movie, but of course, DH rushes back home the instant the movie is over.  I find myself irritated and brooding.  I was reading Eden’s blog and came across this line:

You are not less than anybody else. You are not less than anybody else.

It was in her post How to Live and so I highly recommend reading it.    Sometimes the negative voices in my head come back to haunt me in the wee hours and I look for encouragement wherever I can.  And because I had a couple of religiously motivated people show up at my door this morning so that I could declare I was a Buddhist I shall also offer this (the whole article can be find here):

“Cherry, plum, peach and damson blossoms all have their own qualities, and they manifest the three properties of the life of the Buddha without changing their character”.  Simply put, each one of us contributes our own unique qualities through the role we play in society. The Daishonin uses the example of the cherry, plum, peach and damson flowers to make his point. The cherry flower is renowned for its beauty; many people enjoy seeing the cherry blossoms in the spring. The plum blooms in late winter–while other flowers usually bloom in the spring–and it, too, is known for its beauty. According to an old Chinese tradition, peaches are said to bring longevity and ward off evil. The damson flower’s appearance is different from the others, but it is associated with assiduousness and perseverance.

Attaining enlightenment does not require us to become anything other than a human being; it is recognizing our own true value and worth exactly as we are. By being true to ourselves, we can become happy. Only we know what it is that makes us happy and only we know when we are making efforts to make ourselves happy. Comparing ourselves with others only leads to a sense of inferiority or superiority. By focusing on surpassing our own limitations—without focusing on what others are doing—we will find it much easier to grow. No matter how much we try to become like someone else, we can only be ourselves.

At a time of insecurity and change (and a whole lotta rain), I’m struggling to rest easy in the knowledge that I am enough.