Monday night out

I did a stupid thing yesterday – I called MSP (Medical Services Plan) to find out if I should fax or mail in a copy of the immigration paperwork for baby K.  Of course, after I entered in a dazzling number of numerical prompts and put on hold, I had to hang up of course, cause the Precious needed me.  Then I tried again and lo and behold I was presented with the chance to leave my number for a callback!  And they called back!  But then she said the wrong form was submitted (no, it wasn’t), and it needed both parent’s signatures (no)  and she needed the letter of no objection (what?)  This was news to me since we got a form letter saying they just needed additional immigration information regarding his resident status.  Sigh. Why is it that when you deal with government departments, you get a DIFFERENT answer for the same situation every single time?!!!!!

I’ve scheduled the Precious for his physical by an approved IMMIGRATION doctor (you know, the kind that you have to pay to do what the GP did for nothing because they have to fill out 6 pages of paperwork).  They happen to be in the same clinic so he can look up his health information on their computer system.  I’ve yet to get him in for his next set of immunization shots because I’m not sure if I want to have them done on the same day or not.  It would save making two trips but I’d definitely like the shots done AFTER the immigration doctor. Since it will be in the afternoon, he’s going to be pretty pissy anyway, no need to push it.

Last night we went to visit our good friends who have two little boys.  Enter screaming and chaos and for good measure, we brought the dog too.  I’ve noticed the Precious is now at the stage where he definitely knows who his parents are (he started wailing every time the wife looked at him).  Nice moment for me was when I could actually make him stop crying.  Me.  Like a real mum.  It wasn’t too long ago when I was the woman who the babies wailed at.

Of course, the mums opened up the bottle of wine and we ate pizza and talked about motherhood, housework and the whole mummy cult.  I love talking about the kid, but I also rather enjoy adult conversation about movies, and shopping and spiritual fulfillment.  Shopping and spiritual fulfillment  – they aren’t the same thing? Her husband is often  gone for more than a week on business.  Recently she had undergone the unenviable position of being pukey sick with two pukey sick kids at the same time.  I felt bad we couldn’t help but we didn’t want to risk catching whatever it was.

It was nice getting out, we didn’t stay too late and a lovely side effect of keeping the Precious out past his bedtime was that he slept in this morning (notwithstanding the 5 am babblefest)  and graciously allowed his mummy to write this post in under 4 hours!

Reality check

Thanks for the breaking of leg wishes – I did okay at the audition – I think I could really benefit from some classes though.  Most actors go to regular classes every week to keep fine tuned and on their game and of course, I haven’t done that in about a year.  So I feel a bit rusty. Interesting, there was a man there who brought his little girl  (toddler age) with him.  Another actor(female)  watched her when he went in to audition.

I wanted to go shopping (for no particular reason other than to be alone ) after, but since dinner was going to be an issue, I ended up aimlessly cruising the grocery store and then picking up West Indian takeout for dinner.  Whenever I audition on the North Shore, I usually go to Starbucks or cruise the local grocery store just to distract myself from the self-criticism I put myself through after an audition.  And then I chanted in the car and gave myself a pep talk.  By the time I made my way through the traffic on the bridge, it was 2 hours later and hubby wants to know what took me so long. I’ll tell you what I was doing – enjoying being alone.  Until I held the wee man again and I went turned into mush when he smiled at me.

I told hubby he needs to have a father/son day. Like an 8 hour day.   I will gladly take JuJu and hang out with her (as long as it isn’t pouring).   I also wouldn’t mind attempting to get my tax preparations in order.  Eeks, did I just say that?  I’m thinking that I may have to leave the house in order to just start that.

I enjoyed an afternoon with Special K at a friend’s play reading.  I got us out early for our dog walk, got him bathed and fed and while he was napping got dressed up a bit.  Meaning out of my ever-present yoga pants.  I was ready for the 35 minute power walk up to the arts centre, but then he woke up wanting to be fed and there went that time.  We ended up driving there (endless stream of quarters in the metre) and then they started late.  Of course.  But it was WONDERFUL and I really enjoyed it.  Wee man cooperated by sleeping through an hour of it and respectfully took it all in when he was awake.  I couldn’t hang around to discuss it, but we caught up later on the phone.

I learned that if I am going to have a creative life, I’m going to have to have some form of child care because it’s next to impossible to concentrate on anything when your child wants and needs you.  Either that or you drink a lot of Red Bull and stay up all night.  More and more, I am growing amazed at my mum who had 3 daughters and actually WORKED OUTSIDE THE HOME and did ALL the housework ALL the time.  UNMEDICATED!!!

Mind you, she did have a couple of nervous breakdowns.

To be firm or not to be firm

Okay, so THE phone call didn’t happen.  Hubby was exceptionally busy yesterday, I had an audition, we couldn’t have mum over as we usually do on a Tuesday, but no phone call.  I assumed she was working, but it would have been nice if she had dropped me an email since indeed that was the case.  Just as well, perhaps some deep thinking will ensue.  Or not.

On another note, we got our new mattress.  Well, we went from super cushy to super firm.  OMG.  What have I done?    It apples and oranges though.  If I had never lay on a SUPER cushy mattress, I would have never realized the difference.  I’ve always slept on a firm mattress.  It still has a pillow top but the “give” is minimal.  Good news, no burning between the shoulder blades and my hip bones are fine.  Also, I give wee man his morning meal in my bed and we share some serious cuddle/coffee time.  However, now he doesn’t roll into the hollowed out space when I get in or out.  It’s a lovely feeling to sink into a cloud at the end of the day but it gets annoying after a while.  I might have gone for the one that split the difference pillowtop had hubby shown up to give an opinion, but too bad.  The deal is done and I sleep well.  Well, not really.  I’ve been super preoccupied, and a bit tense.

The little guy woke me up at 4am  the other night – it seems his #1 diapers don’t cut it anymore.  Well technically, I got up 45 minutes later after I first heard him, I kept praying he would give up the bleating and go back to sleep, but the boy knows what he wants.   He was super wet and by the time I changed him and fed him out of his crankiness, I couldn’t get back to sleep for an another hour and of course, he was up by the time I had fallen into a deep sleep.   Gotta love that.  By early evening I was craving a Red Bull so I wouldn’t fall asleep in my dinner.  Oh, yes I got #2 Pampers.  I can still finish off what we have left for day time use, but it’s #2 for bed time for sure.

Oh, yeah, I had another audition and I have one more tomorrow.  Yippee.

Clash of the titans

Earlier this year I made a vow to have a really heal my family.  What was I thinking?  Well, it sounded good anyway.  My younger sister is trying to move here from the South to be with my mum and me.  Soon.  Real soon.  It appears my eldest sister may put in appearance very soon as well.  We were never really close and we’ve been separated by thousands of miles for so long.  And now it seems we may actually converge in the same time zone.

I love my sisters, but we’re very, very different in temperaments and attitudes.  I think I understand them somewhat, but we never really hung out together. The last time my eldest sister came here was 7 years ago when our mother first went into the home.  She doesn’t call and she doesn’t communicate more than once a  year.

The last time my youngest sister was here her and DH got into about racism.  My sister subscribes to the view that black people can’t be racist because of the dynamic of privilege and power.  He called bullshit on that and long story short, he believes she doesn’t like/approve of him because he’s white. I’m not going to tell you how many times we’ve argued about my sister. He also believes that she’s never been a help to me, after all I’ve gone through and he believes our relationship is one-sided.  I’ve tried to tell him that I’ve never depended on either of my sisters for emotional support so it doesn’t really matter to me.  However, the years of dealing with my mother took a great toll on me and he feels that both of them could have helped more.  True.    I’ve defended her, tried to explain her and hubby feels like I should call her out on the carpet.  I just want peace.  I can’t stand this tension.

I called my sister on Sunday when she emailed me to let me know she wanted to come and visit.  Meaning visit and stay with us.  That’s not going to happen.  I explained to her why and of course, she’s surprised and taken aback.  She felt their disagreement 2 years ago was a non issue.  She told me her side which of course sounds nothing like what my husband said.  Of course, it’s not what she said, it’s more like what she didn’t say.  She said that she always speaks well of him and it’s not that she doesn’t like him. She never said she liked him though. I remember coming home from work that night and feeling the tension.  Hubby eventually talked to me, but she never said a word.  I could barely get her to spend alone time with me so that we could talk.

Hubby does not hang out with people he doesn’t like.   He likes her husband and adores her son, but he’s always felt an insincerity from her.   He doesn’t like it when people pretend to like one another.  He would prefer it people just admitted the truth and leave it at that.  That he can respect.  He prefers to know where people stand right away.

I am in the middle of this and I hate it.  I find it enormously stressful and exhausting.  When I was talking to my sis I was actually shaking.  I’m highly conscious of not getting dragged into well he said/she said when I actually wasn’t there at the time of the argument.   I don’t want to referee, I don’t want to know what was said, what I want to know is what they want to say NOW.  Frankly, I have my own feelings on the matter which I have no problem expressing, but most of the time I just ignore stuff  in the name of keeping long distance peace.  This is how my family has always operated.  We report events, we don’t share feelings.  However, this is about to change. I just prefer to go about in a more peaceful, reasonable manner.  I’d love it if everyone just LOVED each other, but I’ll settle for mutual respect.

Hubby and his family thrash things out in a more vocal manner, if you know what I mean and then it’s over.  I have sisters however, not brothers, and women never forget anything.  Small slights go down in the history book, ready to be brought to the forefront 20 years later if needed.  Sigh.  Honestly, I think they should be thrown into a cage and let them sort it out, one way or the other.

They’re supposed to have a phone conversation tonight.  I’m going to do something absolutely ridiculous and expect them to conduct themselves accordingly.  Still, as usual, I will have to go into my mother’s money and put them up at a hotel.  Sigh.

Meeting of the mamas

Had an interesting weekend.  Don’t have the energy to tell you about the second half, I’m too tired, but in the first half was great!  I met up with Barely Sane at Infertility Licks! She lives in the burbs and I live downtown so we met halfway.  And yes, the husbands came along as well.  Wow, that was an achievement on my end.  Frankly, they’re great to keep the kids occupied while the womenfolk talk about the serious stuff.  She is totally awesome, so warm and inviting and down to earth.  It was like I’ve known her for years!  MG was adorable and so was her hubby!

I had mentioned her blog to hubby a couple years ago when I hopefully thought our wait would be as short as hers.  Snort.

She recently posted about thoughts of having  another child.  That really got me thinking, of course.  Alas, having/getting another child is not as easy as I’d like. Not exactly Angelina Jolie over here.  So I’m going to have to breathe in the smell of his head a little bit more and enjoy Special K’s babyhood while I can.

Living the dream

I never grew up yearning  to be a wife and mother and nothing else.  I always believed in choice and equality for women.   A woman could have a career/job and a family if that’s what they wanted.   My mother worked her whole life, and she was a wife and a mother.  Her husband treated her like shit, she hated her factory job and she yearned to sing and be heard.  She did the best she could do with her kids, and I guess it was good enough cause I am here to tend to her and love her til the day she dies.

I just assumed I’d have kids when I met the right man who made me feel safe enough to want that.  I assumed a lot.  By the time I hit 31 I was pretty disillusioned so I packed my bags and moved across the country and started over.  I always meant to return but I met the man and the rest unfolded.  Now well set in my crazy hazy middle aged days, I have an adopted son (still dealing with the paperwork) and I feel like the 31 year old who wanted the do-over.

I had an audition the other day.  I sucked.  I know cause there was a callback later and  didn’t get asked to stay.  Knowing that made me feel like …. a loser.  Can you believe it?  A danger sign that I let my life condition slip to letting an audition validate my self worth.  By the time I came home, I was in tears.  Now I’ve been rejected more times than there is sand on a beach, so why did this one matter so much?  It wasn’t about the part.  I hated feeling that low.  Ashamed that it mattered to me.  It’s just that I don’t know if I can audition anymore. I have FOUGHT so hard, sacrificed security to do what I wanted to do and now I have to start over.   My heart is not in it.  Acting is one of those things that you can have years of experience at, and have it count for absolutely nothing at the end of the day.  Cause someone else has to decide what you’re worth.  I don’t know how to quit. It’s a hamster wheel and when you’re my age, with my thighs(hahaha) , it has the ability to make you feel like shit.   I want to work but I don’t want to audition.  I’ve written about this before.  Which is why I got into directing.  My friend is producing a movie  (and no, directing said movie is way beyond my ability), and it highlights the need for structure in my life so that I can start a project of my own.  I just got a little side tracked (if you can call 8 years trying to have a kid side tracked).

I ADORE being a mother to this child.  I ADORE having the ability to stay home and watch him grow. He’s sleeping beside me now as I type and I am head over heels in love.  I know I will do anything to give him the life that he deserves.  I will always put him first.  But I also want to give him a mother who didn’t stop living her dream.   I have seen what that can do to a woman.  My mother’s reward for her sacrifice was a shitty ass husband (ex), stroke and dementia.

I know I’m living the dream, but the dream just got bigger.

Bad back

I don’t know about you but I hem and haw about very expensive items that I’m going to be stuck with for a long time.  Cars, eyeglasses, furniture… and beds.  Committment issues, I guess.

We are exchanging our deluxe plush hotel bed for a firmer mattress.  Yes, it’s supremely comfortable, but I’ve been having issues with my back.  Honestly, this bed is freaking comfortable….the sex on the bed is COMFORTABLE…. but it’s TOO comfortable for my back.  And this is after my chiropractic visits. Now that I’m actually getting a full night’s sleep, I find my upper back kind of burns a bit halfway through the night.  I sleep on my side most of the time but  my hip  bones ache. I think I’m sinking in too deeply.  Or I’m too heavy.  Can’t exchange my ass though.   I’ve always slept on a firm bed and we were taking a leap of faith so to speak with the plushy pillowtop.  I don’t think I can live with it for the next 10 yrs though.  Of course, hubby left it up to me to decide, but if I have to hear that it’s too hard or something, I’m going to kill him.  He’ll probably gripe anyway just to bug me.

So I power walked with little K downtown and spent 1/2 hour  laying on one bed and then another.  Of course, the cheaper 2009 model was gone, so we didn’t get the big refund we were expecting but the new bed should arrive in 10 days. I put the sales guy on the phone to explain that one. I knew that if I tried to explain it to hubby myself he’d end up asking me a bunch of questions that I didn’t have answers to and frankly, I didn’t want to do this by myself anyway.   I hope to goodness, I don’t regret it.

How to make your wife happy

I didn’t get the gig, so I’m bummed.  And relieved.  More bummed than relieved.   Cause that means more typing.  But that’s good cause that’s how I can pay for my cleaning lady.  Relieved cause I didn’t have to cancel the job or worry about if I had to work 12 hour days.  Bummed cause I would have loved to work those 12 hour days on set.

Wow, I can’t believe something as simple as a clean house makes me so happy…. well, it’s because I didn’t have to do it.  That’s the part that makes me happy.  For the first time since childhood, the bathrooms are clean and I didn’t have to do it.  She was here 3 hours, poor woman, and she didn’t even really finish.  I told the cleaning woman to skip the office (I was in it trying to get stuff done while the baby napped).
Luckily, Juno was off on her adventure hike, she might not have tolerated her canister vacuum.  As it was she arrived home before she left and had a stare down with it in the hallway.

Apparently, I haven’t dusted in a while.   I also noticed that we have a lot of extraneous bits of paper and this and that everywhere.  You know what that means, I have to start throwing things out and organizing the random phone numbers and spare parts.  She wants to regrout the 2nd bathroom.  That’s how bad it was.  I think it’s a good idea to have her in for a thorough clean every now and again though.  It’s amazing how much stress was taken off my shoulders.  I could actually spend time with the kid and not feel like I had to be rushing around trying to get everything done before hubby came home.  As it was I was doing laundry for 2 solid days.  I had been up til late the night before transcribing notes, so I was pretty tired.  Hubby was pretty tired himself when he came home, but he was on baby duty for a few hours while I cooked dinner and continued working.  Welcome to my world, honey. Ah, sweet.

I highly recommend the occasional cleaning assistance if it’s in your budget and you’re running ragged.  Good for the soul.

Women’s work

Happy International Women’s Day!  Put down that Swiffer!

DH is away so of course, I get a call for an audition late this afternoon.  Earlier I tried a couple of people to babysit this evening because I really wanted to attend a short film festival in the neighbourhood.  In honour of International Women’s Day, they were made by women filmmakers.  No go, as apparently most women I know are too busy with their own families.  Sigh.  It’s okay, I took Baby Farts a lot to the audition and of course, he was cackling up a storm so I had to keep taking him outside in the hallway (this was one of those stupid ass places where you hear people auditioning so I assumed he would be heard if he started screeching).  I did okay, there weren’t a lot of lines so I had time to prepare sufficiently.  In the old days, I really hated to be distracted when I prepared to audition.  Hubby couldn’t even talk to me when I was putting on my makeup.  I can’t tell you how many times he had to talk about SOMETHING when I was trying to get my game face on and get out of the house.  He has since learned not to fuck with me when I’m in the zone.  This time, well, I had to haul the diaper bag, car seat, stroller and my stuff, load said stuff, get there and park, unload said stuff and entertain baby in a room of women who want the same part as I do. Interesting. Lucky for me, a girl I knew stayed behind to mind baby when it was my turn.

Of course, this project starts filming the day I’m already committed to work.  Of course.  Theoretically, if I ended booking this gig, I will be working 12 hour days for I don’t know how many days in a row.  Since I don’t have an official “on call” babysitter… yet…. what will I do for daycare?  I suppose hubby can work from home but….  I suppose I”m getting ahead of myself.  Part of me wants to work in acting again and part of me just wants the status quo. I suppose if I continue to audition, this situation will have to be considered again and again. Oh, the conundrum of the working mum.

By the time we got home, baby was hungry and tired, the film festival was a distant memory,  but at least the dog had been walked.  Yes, she started whining at me to go out for a pee just as I sat down to feed the baby.  Lovely pooch, but you just have to cross your hind legs.  His whining wins every time.

Another day

Good news is that hubby is only away for a few days.  I’ve arranged for JuJu to get picked up for her adventure hikes Monday and Wednesday.  It really is such a benefit to not have to worry about walking her twice a day.  I am so fortunate.  That means I can take the Precious and go shopping for food or whatever and not deal with picking up poo (well hers at least), or dealing with her sketchiness when a skateboarder goes by. Honestly, it’s like having TWO kids some days.

And – tada! – I’m having someone come in to clean on Wednesday!  I’m officially bourgeoise!  Except I have to do transcribing work to afford it, but whatever.  The place is a dustbowl.   I’m letting a lot of stuff slide cause I was starting to go a little nuts occupying every free moment sweeping this or washing that.  I have an overwhelming desire to clean up for the cleaning woman.  I’ve never had anyone come in to clean my house and I’ve already apologized to her for the dog hair she’s going to find under the couch.  Does one stay home to supervise and make sure she doesn’t make off with the chocolate hidden in my underwear drawer or do you just leave instructions and go out for a walk?  Do I come back early to make sure everything is to my satisfaction?  Cash or cheque?  What’s the etiquette here?

I also would like to get some p/t babysitter at some point.  Maybe next year?  Right now, I find it hard to be away from him.   I accepted some transcribing work (of course, when hubby is away) but I’ll only be able to do it when he goes down for the night.  And when hubby returns, I scheduled work away from home in the evening.  Getting back on the spin bike has to happen pretty darn soon as I am now experiencing the tight jean phenomenon which will be quickly followed by the worn out spot on the inner thigh seam.  As I’ve stated before, I don’t know how single parents carry the load!

So this is the overwhelming feelings that mothers talk about.  Just the whole production just to leave the house!  Fed?  Check! Changed?  Check! Oh, he just spat up and soaked his cute outfit – back to the change table!  Do we have everything?  Buggy or carrier?  Do we have everything?  The pressure to keep a clean and orderly home (laundry done and put away, clean floors, grocery shopping, home cooked healthy meals?  hahahaha), slim body, tidy appearance (do I take the extra time to shave or put on makeup?), work and money to be made to pay the bills, aging parent to be attended to, young dog to be walked, fed and entertained, spiritual practice to be maintained, and oh, yeah, a spouse to be attended to as well, and trying like hell to be the best darned mum on the planet(ohmigosh, it takes forever to cut his nails, what baby exercise do I have to do now?!).  I know I’m not the only artist to want to continue to work creatively.  I may be ready to retire from acting, but I’m not ready to give up my entire creative life.  And since I’m about 10 years older than most of my friends, I keenly feel the passage of time.  It occurred to me that as much as I love being a parent, it’s not the only thing that makes me happy.  I have sacrificed and worked to carve out a professional identity and life and I’m not willing to let go of all of that.  Some of it I won’t miss, the constant self doubt with auditioning, competing with younger,skinnier women, the weekend acting courses, the constant outflow of cash for pictures, coaching, etc.) I have no idea of how this will all unfold.  I’m sure I will come up with a plan.

Okay, I forfeited a visit to the culture centre  this morning, have to attend to K and walk the dog (hubby left early this am) and get ready for a Buddhist planning meeting this afternoon.  And it’s Oscar night; I may go to my friends or I may just stay home with a frozen entree and snuggle with my babies!  Yay!