I’ll smash your face in

I finished my fighter bootcamp Tuesday night.  It was about 1 1/2 hrs.  OMG, it was good!  We learned how to “mount” our opponent (oh, yes, I had my way with the trainer), knee someone in the gut and then how to get someone off of you and roll them over.  At the end, we did two rounds of speed/strength/boxing drills, and we each got two 1 minute rounds to fight with our trainer.  Oh, yeah, and I held a car tire over my head for a minute.  (Last week I did 35 shoulder presses with it.)  Did I mention he does MMA (that’s mixed martial arts)?  He was all padded up with gear and we got to try out our punch combinations and kicks on a real, live target. I did pretty good except one of my kicks connected with his elbow and now my lower shin is sore as hell.  It feels like it should be black and blue but instead it’s tender to the touch.  Lucky, it’s one of the few places on my legs that don’t bruise.  Anyways, it was awesome!  I can’t believe I’m saying this but I ENJOY hitting someone. I loved it!   As long as they don’t hit me back, that is.

The trainer didn’t present much of a target, he didn’t make it easy and he kept moving which meant I had to go after him which meant by the end of the round I could barely breathe.  Damn asthma.  It’s those moments that make you realize just how out of shape you are!  Kinda makes you appreciate those guys who have to last 3 minutes per round with each other and of course, they’re in supreme condition.

You pay extra for the figher bootcamp, but you certainly get your money’s worth. The class was supposed to be an hour and it was always 1 1/2 hrs.  I have to say I was pretty surprised at the level of encouragement and support women receive at this gym.  As long as you make an effort, they’re right there cheering you on and don’t make you feel fat and useless.  Hubby thinks I have a crush on my trainer. I don’t.  I don’t think of him in THAT way, he can’t be more than 25 or so.   It’s just that he seems so sincere with his business.  He’s not trying to get you to lose weight, he’s teaching you how to punch and kick.  He doesn’t criticize you, he only encourages you to do your best.  Our group had varying ages and sizes, some in shape and some grossly out of shape.  But we all were committed and no one complained.   No one has the intention of taking up MMA and certainly don’t want to break anybody’s leg or get a black eye.  But when I came home that night, I didn’t care about my sore shin, I felt positively giddy because I felt strong and competent and empowered.

I’ve got a crush on that.

Moving forward

I only lost 3 lbs due to my bout with gastroenteritis.  Hubby says I should be happy with 3, but I’m not cause that means I probably gained a couple over the holidays.  He look about 12 lbs lighter I might add.  Playing soccer once a week.  If that.  Bah.  So if I don’t actually eat anything for about the next month  –  I should be down a dress size.  Seriously?!!!  I  honestly don’t understand why health experts say you better watch what you eat or you’ll gain a pound a year, I can gain a pound a week without even trying.  Must be this middle aged spread I keep hearing about.  Omigod, come to think of it –  I am middle aged.  Time for the half portion senior meals at Denny’s.  Lawdy.  Right after I finish my DQ blizzard.  Ssssh! I’m recovering.

I’m glad 2011 is behind me.  Looking forward to 2012.    I’m back beating the hell out of Bob, the training dummy, and loving it!  I’ve scheduled the Precious for 2 playtime classes and 1 music class a week.  And I will be scheduling more playdates for him. Then in the spring, he should be ready to attend class by himself and then preschool in the fall.  You can tell he’s just sick of our asses already – he really wants  interaction with kids.  Of course, I find out the registration for one preschool located at the community centre was the night I was participating in the Buddhist seminar.  I pick up a package on my way out.  What the heck is it with these parent participation places?  It’s basically like a co-op and you’re obligated to a duty or board job that requires you attend a meeting once a month and then some other junk that’s supposed to take only one or two hours  a week, but if you read what needs to be done, you know it’s going to take even more time.  And then I’ve got to clean the place, too????  When I work, it’s at night, and then I am quite active in my Buddhist community (3 – 4 mtgs a month).  I’m not thrilled, people. And then for twice a week for a 2 hour class, I’m still paying $180/month.  Sigh.  I suppose this is the difference between day care and preschool. Oh, man, this is so out of my element.

It occurs to me that my mum just had to deal with our little asses until kindergarten.

I want to go back auditioning and hopefully booking a gig.  Do you hear me, universe? I need the work! As much as my heart is opening up in motherhood, my brain is turning to mush and I want to be around adults more.

Anyways, the Buddhist seminar went great!  We only had one person registered last week and then we had 10 people show up, so our little room was actually full.  All in all, it went really well.  I felt such a surge of energy afterwards that I could barely settle down.  We all had so many obstacles to overcome, but our we were really unified and I feel so passionate about connecting with people.

2011 was overwhelming for me, so 2012 is all about making effort, staying calm and moving forward.  See what a little GI bug can do for you?

Protected: Cherish the moment

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Skinnier!

Good news – I lost 1.4 lbs!  I’m pretty surprised as I had a mini Blizzard last week- those darn commercials finally got to me.  Hey, I have to have a decadent treat every now and then.  Of course, Chatelaine magazine told me that a small strawberry cheesequake Blizzard contains 710 calories and would take 2 hrs and 25 minutes of brisk walking to get rid of and a mini has about half – so that jog through the park helped me do penance.  At this glacial pace, I should be skinny by the Apocalypse.

Now apparently I’m not supposed to use my activity points to balance out my treats.  For example, I’m not supposed to figure I can eat a pizza then workout 4 hours the next day to null and void it.  You’re supposed to use your 35 extra points first. So the extra exercise is to lose weight.  Now, if you know me, you know I will work for food. If you dangle a promise of a free latte in front of me, I will pick up the pace. If you say, run faster so you can lose weight, that doesn’t put the wind under my wings.   I whispered to the lady next to me that when I’m out of points, I just go to bed.  Not much point in staying awake, right?

Honestly, when you hear some of the lifers talk, it sounds like they are just as food obsessed as the next person.  Oh, I count out 14 pecans and put them on plate and eat them slowly.  I opened up the bag and ate the whole thing before I even realized it!  Remember that book, Women, Food and God – well, it makes sense. If I have to weigh food on a scale, divide out portions, look for fibre in every snack, I don’t think I’m going to end up a lifer.  I’d love to wake up and be a devout fruit and veggie eater, but that’s a fantasy. I think the more realistic goal is to wake up and realize that I would prefer to wake up in a body that is healthy, can endure an active day with my dog and my kid without undue fatigue and pain, and clothe it in something cute.

Still not skinny

This whole weight loss thing is NOT going well.  I’ve got a weigh in tonight and I’m pretty darn sure I’m not going to see a loss.  I am not doing enough on my part.  I start off each week well, with walking and jogging and tracking my points on the electronic diary.  Then by about Thursday, I don’t get around to it and then it’s another day and then it’s the weekend.  My routine changes on the weekend and we’re often running around trying to get this or that done and that means takeout (and yes, I’m sticking to stinking salads).  I did manage to go jogging with a friend on Saturday through the endowment lands with the dog.  I don’t think jogging at my slow pace is going to help.  Sigh.  While the Precious sleeps, I surf around the net looking at workout schedules but there’s no childminding at my nearby gym.  There is one at another location that I will have to drive to however.

My success last time  was because of my consistent visits to spin class. Remember how I would get up in the dark, make a coffee and show up at 6:30am for class?  Half the time I could barely be on time for classes and now that I have a kid, who can’t read what time it is, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I’m going to have to prepare the night before.  Anyway, I’m going to give it a shot this week and we’ll see what happens.

Saturday night, DH went out for a rare night with some old colleagues.  I prepared for a lovely night in with a glass of wine and a movie.  I had a friend call me from Ontario but Mr. McCranky was having a mini meltdown before bedtime so I had to cut the conversation short. Later, after he had finally fell asleep,  I had a lovely surprise – two friends dropped by after a visit to a nearby restaurant.    One is a black female theatre director and editor and the other (the one I’ve known longer; I directed her in a play) is a Chinese actress and playwright.  These two women are around my age and do NOT have children.  I was a little embarrassed to describe the highlight of my weekend was buying a new car seat.  I’d like to work with both of them one day on a project when I have the time.  I broke out the dessert wine and we all proceeded to have great conversations about elder care, health care and race relations.  I know it sounds awful, but it was really great. I used big words.  I did stay up quite late (hubby came home even later) so it was a bit brutal getting up less than 6 hours later.  I dragged my tired  butt around the next day but it was worth it.

Hungry

The long weekend break meant that I didn’t go to my WW weigh in and since I was at my in-laws that meant drinks and chocolate bars.  Empty calories.  Sweet, blessed empty calories.  Now before you all go crazy, I had two. And I didn’t even get drunk.   My dear sweet mother in law did provide low fat cherry fudge frozen yogurt – WHICH TASTED LIKE ASS.  (Don’t even ask me how I would know.)  The following week my eating habits got a little sloppy and my walking decreased.  It’s a bit of a challenge if I can’t actually make a formal gym class because of course, I’m trying to walk the dog, feed the kid, meet up with people at certain times or get errands done.  Or I’m stuck at home when the kid is napping.  Good new is that my energy is a better because I’m going to bed earlier. And when the sun is shining, it’s great to get out and about but I can’t always do a “brisk” walk.

When I went to weigh in this past Monday, I was up about 1/2 a pound.  0.4 to be exact – damn Nazi scales!  I wasn’t surprised, I was getting bored so that meant a couple of stroopwaffels and Skinny Cow ice creams falling into my mouth.  Not incredibly fattening really, and they taste better than carrots spritzed with salad dressing.

Let’s be  honest, I’m hungry. Me being hungry equals me being bitchy.   I don’t think I’m eating that well either because a woman can only eat so much romaine lettuce.  When it comes to food, guess you know who nutritional needs come first.  I’m making organic baby food for his Highness on the weekends.  Maybe I should just puree all my food – that would be easier.  I wonder if you can puree  a hamburger.  Or fish and chips.

I need to plan my meals, so I have something decent to eat.  Y’all know how great I am at planning.   I’m left with few alternatives.  Frozen WW entree or some equivalent or whatever is left in the fridge.  Of course, it has to be defrosted and cooked and I don’t have time for that during the day;   DH has been brilliant but he just BBQs everything – but I have to prep everything first.  So if I don’t get around to prepping, it’s microwave time.

So I pulled out my WW cookbook to look for inspiration and now I just have to plan a menu and go shopping for the ingredients and ……omigod, I gotta lay down.

Brokeback mummy

I had another delicious lazy Saturday to myself – it was hard to muster the energy to actually DO something.  I just wanted to sit in peace. Hubby and Precious and Juju  had been out early and when they came back, I was still sitting on the couch.   DH remarked that he thought I would be out by then, but I wasn’t feeling very energetic.  My back had been bothering me for 2 days and it wasn’t a real joy to move about.  Of course, my chiropractor was on vacation.  Sigh.  Back to Thermacare wraps and extra strength back pills. Also, my left heel is cracked again.  (This happened the last time I tried to do a lot of walking.  Just in time for sandal weather, I might add.  It seems the second I put on sandals, even the most comfortable ones, I end up back in socks and running shoes.  Good thing I bought 3 pairs of sandals, eh?  Haha.  Boo. ) So now my feet hurt and my back hurts.  Oh, man, hard not to feel like I’m breaking down.

I managed to visit my mum and take her to Starbucks for our usual outing.  She even let me finish my drink and local paper without the usual demands to leave the second we sit down.  I know, it sounds horrible, reading the paper when I’m with her, but honestly, a fluid conversation is impossible and she likes to comment on people as they walk by.  We manage, in our own way. I talk about sales of grocery items or she points out whoever catches her eye on the street.

I walked down to Gastown later (yes, I managed it) and attended the Illuminaires event with a friend.  It was nice to have a drink on a patio on a beautiful summer evening and admire the lanterns my friends had made.  One girl had made a trio of jellyfish with shiny paper (it looked very cool with lights glowing inside of them) and my friend had made a square paper lantern with the four seasons of a tree.  Beautiful, so creative.  I was especially proud of my friend, who is starting all over again, after her 16 year marriage ended abruptly.  She looked wonderful and happy and eager to try new experiences.  It reminded me of when I first came to this city, and trying out my big girl wheels for the first time.  I prefer being married, but having lived on my own for years, despite loneliness, I loved being on my own.  I hope that she will heal and be happy.

Good news, despite my decrepit body, I managed to lose 2.2 lbs.  Hallelujah – pass the cake!  Kidding.

Diet, exercise and anger

I woke up in a pissy mood because, well… it was pissy outside.  I hate getting wet, really hate it.  Picked the wrong city to live in, didn’t I?  Anyway, other than bitching about the crappy weather we had in June, we’re doing okay.  I had a busy day doing errands and visiting mum.  DH is away for a few days on business, so we’re on our own for a bit.

Spent the weekend on the island visiting the in-laws.  I wasn’t in the best of moods, thanks to Aunt Flo, but my MIL is awesome and she tried to cheer me up by taking me shopping for clothes.  Probably not the best idea.  Yep, it’s Weight Watchers time again.  I will wait til we get back from T.O.  Perhaps running around in the heat will give me motivation.  I’m back to feeling uncomfortable again and though the official line is that I’m at medium risk for diabetes so I should watch my weight, the unofficial truth is that life for me at 20 lbs overweight is annoying, infuriating and uncomfortable.

Annoying cause I have a hard time finding clothes that fit.  It leaves with a grand total of 2 stores in my neighbourhood (and I live in a downtown shopping area) that might carry my size and god forbid  I don’t buy it cause when it goes on sale, my size is going to be gone and I’m faced with a sea of single digit sizes.  I could go into the major department stores, but I have neither the time nor the stamina to sort through row after row of racks of clothing, haul a ton of stuff to a waiting room on the other side of the floor only to find out that nothing fits right.  Infuriating  because I did it to myself for all sorts of logical emotional eating reasons that made perfect sense at that time.  Also infuriating is that I am not surprised I’m back at this point.

I’m uncomfortable in my skin and I’m umcomfortable with addressing the reasons why I am.  Geneen Roth’s Woman, Food and God stirred up a lot in me, most of which is anger – and that’s the most uncomfortable feeling of all.