Why does it feel that I’m starting over? Ah, yes, September, back to school.
I keep trying to be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter… and occasionally I don’t want to keep trying at all cause I’m just too damn tired of trying to be perfect. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror of an elevator the other day – and realized that I need to go back into shape again. Well, to be honest, I’ve known that for a while, but I’ve sticking my head in the sand all summer. Or DQ blizzards. I’ve been hiding in a way. And now, I’ve simply run out of clothes to wear so I either wear yoga pants for every occasion or buy a whole plus sized wardrobe. Not that that’s the worst thing ever, but it isn’t what I really want. At my present weight, I’m a medium risk for diabetes and since it runs in my family, I better make a decision to take control of my health. Getting older has its own bag of hammers without me throwing in a few more.
I remember how great it was to traipse around Europe hauling most of my own luggage and I’d like to feel that capable and fit again. Over the past year, I have curtailed my activities in order to put his needs first and my world has shrunk quite a bit. I went to an audition the other day and I haven’t had one in ages. A woman I know says oh, I haven’t seen you in a long time and I reply vaguely that I haven’t been around. I wanted to say, well, I’m invisible so it’s no wonder you haven’t seen me. Then she mentioned how BUSY she had been lately. As in with her CAREER. You want to annoy the heck out of another actor, just start talking about how busy you are with work. It’s just that way in this profession – you know, there’s never enough work for everyone. Thanks for that. I bit my tongue and didn’t launch into how busy I had been at MOTHERING my delightful child. Hey, you never know – I mean maybe she thinks my life is PERFECT. I read an article in a family magazine at the doctor’s office yesterday about that very thing – feeling invisible as a mum, that is. The author recognized that she was fine with feeling that way because it meant that she was putting the needs of her child first and that as the child grew she could get back to “her” life.
Yeah, it’s the interim that I’m having a little trouble with. It occurs to me that I’m a late bloomer so to speak. I got married at 38, and baby came along after my first gray hair. I’m not so good at balancing my wants vs. everyone else’s. I certainly recognize that I spent the first six months blissed out and happy that I was finally in the motherhood club after my 7 year mission to get there and then fought like hell to have my voice heard and not digest the MOTHERHOOD/MARTYR diet that people insisted I subsist on. I wasn’t SUPPOSED to have ANY time for myself. Well, if I could do it as long as no one else was inconvenienced or put upon. So basically my sleeping time. The non structured way I had of living my life as an adult was in direct opposition to raising a kid. I worked at night, I auditioned at random times throughout the day, went to acting class, spent 1 1/2 hrs at the gym a few times week, visited my mum in the afternoons, and fit in the dog, the household chores, Buddhist activities and friends and hubby. I had all that down to a science and then my little guy came along and as he became mobile and more vocal, what semblance of balance and control I had went out the window. Oh, so this is what all those mothers were bitching about! Yeah, I get it now.
So I joined Weight Watchers again. Working on a better frame of mind – I’ve got a lot of background noise going on right now with my mum’s deteriorated state, but I hope I can do better this time. Scheduling in myself as a priority. I’m scared of being hungry, but food is not what I truly crave. Being hungry makes me angry. Man, I wish I had stayed in therapy.