The past couple of weeks, Boo has been spending a lot of time with his “cousins” and having sleepovers. He told my husband that he would like to have 3 brothers. Of course, the thing is that Boo actually does have 2 (half)brothers, one older and one younger but quite young. Yes, he knows he’s adopted and he’s aware that he has a birthmother but I purposely left out the stories of his brothers. For now. My gut tells me it would really sadden him if he could not be with them right away. At the age of 5 he’s quite aware in the age of Skype and everything is instant to him. They are miles away in a different country and sadly, at the moment, we don’t have the means to travel there at the drop of a hat. Frankly, that’s not the main point anyway. The point is that getting to know them would mean getting to know his birthmother as well. I don’t think any of us is quite ready for that.
One of the reasons I pined for a 2nd child was because of him. Since Boo was very young, he would ask me about having a little brother or sister and I’ve explained to him that that was not possible. He accepted that and moved on, never asking again, but I know his heart. He’s never been one of those children who don’t mind their own company. If he’s not glued to his dad, he’s asking to play with friends. He’s kind and compassionate with younger children and even when he was 2 years old, he would take the hand of a nearby crying child to draw him back into the storytime circle. It fucking broke my heart that I could not wade back into the adoption process to add to my family.
We’ve been lucky that my husband’s best friend is his godfather and has always accepted him into his own family as just that, family. He has a picture of him on his wall right next to his two boys and cares for him deeply. His sons are his cousins not by blood but by love.
It’s not that Boo complains or even asks questions, but it’s something we acknowledge as a loss. Having lived as long as I have, I can say with authority that sometimes having friends as your family can be just as rewarding as blood related siblings. If not better in certain cases.
Back at the beginning, everyone agreed that when he was 18, Boo would meet his birthmother if he wished. That seemed like a lifetime ago and I truly believe that it won’t be that long before they do meet. Again.
Well, last week was kinda …well…blah. I’ve been feeling a lot of blah lately and I got up early this morning and did some chanting. Sometimes that can be really calming and centering and other times it can be very scary because stuff just comes up and when one is facing the Gohonzon it’s like looking at a mirror. And you can’t look away. I’m the proverbial Gemini, always moving, always dabbling in this or that and I get restless. Bored. I’m no good at twiddling my thumbs. I do have some work this week so that will keep me busy. And I also booked a small gig. My agent said I didn’t sound too excited and no, I’m not. It’s just one day and while I can’t sneeze at the pay, it’s just not that exciting to me. I did see some rushes of the web series that I’m in. I did good work and so that was a great feeling.
I finally got my hair done and that cost me more than I’d like but I’m happy with the different look. I think what has been bugging is that I’ve been looking at old pictures and I guess I’m just feeling well, a little old and worn. It sounds a little silly, don’t you think? I didn’t think I was that vain, but apparently I am. I see pictures of me holding Boo when he was a year old and I look slim, fresh and well-coiffed. I’ve managed to get a lot of alone time this year and it really does help recharge my batteries. I just love being able to switch off and be quiet these days. It’s like a mini-vacation really. I have a long to do list but I’m good at procrastinating. Yesterday I spent the afternoon in a zero gravity chair on the deck reading. I think that might have happened 3 years ago. Glorious. No barking dogs, no construction going on, no loud neighbours. Instead of doing all the things I should have been doing, I actually just relaxed. Wow. Creepy.
I missed last week’s Microblog Mondays out of sheer laziness. And hotness. Seriously,it’s been blistering hot here for weeks. And then a smokey haze descended on the city (from forest fires in Alberta). Very creepy and smokey smelling times.
I did work on a 3 day workshop about a love story set in the post WW1 Harlem era. It was a lot of fun. Ultimately, there isn’t really an interesting part in it for me specifically, but it was a rare opportunity to work with Black artists. I enrolled Boo in a very reasonably price day camp for the week and hubby was able to pick him up. As always, it’s a delight for me to be able to be creative and be part of fantastic projects and even get a paid a little bit.
I did 3 solid days of filing for an accountant at a company the previous week. It was terribly boring but well paying so I hope they call me back to work p/t at least. I guess I have to thank the woman for not filing for 3 years because I put in a lot of hours. I don’t know what it is, but I’m scratching my head as to why I get presented with opportunities for work that is opposite to my outgoing personality. I just spoke to a woman who works for a law firm and they have clients who needs transcribers. Oh, goody! I say while cringing a bit inside at the thought of sitting on my ass all day with my foot on a pedal and earphones plugged in for 8 hours a day. Oh, yes, it’s big girl panty time and so I will put them on and make some dough and adjust my attitude. I’m still looking at other options that don’t involve me wanting to poke my eyes out every time I do one of these jobs. Once again, I thank my mum silently for making me take speed typing in high school. This skill has saved my ass time and time again.
One strange thing – a bug bit me near the ankle, and assuming it was a mosquito, I put afterbite on it and forgot about it until I was coming home from work. I looked down and saw a huge blister and just got worse and worse. It was really uncomfortable so when I got home, I pricked it with a clean pin. And it blistered up again…. and again. Gross! Eventually, hubby convinced me to go to the walk in clinic. Dr. Speedy declared it an allergic reaction and told me to put neosporin and a bandaid on it. Which I had done the night before anyway. So she basically just redressed it with gauze and sent me on my way. It took 8 days to heal! I think it was a spider bite.
Oh, yeah, hubby told me Boo put popcorn on his nutsack and got the dog to eat it! (insert my stunned face!) Summer fun!
Good news! A mum friend called me and told me that her husband’s place was looking for a temp so I got the job and I’m still working there. I was packing up office files and now I’m filing. Unfortunately I have no f/t child care for Thursday and hubby is working so I’m going to have to break it to them that I can’t work on Thursday and my supervisor is working on the holiday but not the Friday so I can’t come in then. This is where it would be really great to have family nearby to help out on those days you really need it.
I had a callback last week, Boo had his last day of kindergarten (!) and then a big audition on Friday. Come on universe, throw me a frickin’ bone! I just know I’m going to be very busy this summer and I’m completely unprepared in regard to child care. I need work but I also need to not spend everything I make for daycare. Mmmm, welcome to the real world.
Oh, yeah, kindergarten is done and my Boo is going into Grade 1 in the fall. Wow. Gulp. Now I can finally appreciate when people told me I was lucky to stay at home with him. We slept in, we walked the dog, we had time for visits to the beach in the middle of the day and we hung out with my mum at Starbucks. A few years ago, I thought I was trapped in toddler hell and I never thought I’d get him off my leg and now time is speeding up. He plays further and further away from me and when I lose sight of him for more than a minute, I catch my breath. Funny how time flies.
For my 52nd birthday, hubby surprised me with tickets to Lion King! I was thrilled and had a lovely time. What a show – I just loved the movie and the theatre show was outstanding. I wish I could have taken Boo with us, but due to the timing and the expense, that was not possible. He had stayed up late the night before at the superhero show and he was more than exhausted by the end of the week. The inlaws had arrived for the weekend, and so it was one of those super busy weekends, celebrating their 34th wedding anniversary and then Father’s Day on the Sunday. All in all, it was a lovely weekend with great weather. I do have to say that I can’t drink like I used to and I’m still pretty tired. Tomorrow I have two auditions and have a temp job coming up and also Thursday is the last day of school. Looking forward to the end of the week already!
What is it about summer that becomes some sort of transition period for me? I knew when my husband started buying lottery tickets that we were in trouble. Having two self employed people living beyond their means in one of the world’s most expensive cities to live in has caught up with us. So I’m looking at leaving acting and entering the world of doing whatever is necessary to make more money on a regular basis. Not rocket science, I know, and I knew this day was coming but wishing something to happen and buying lottery tickets is not a plan, is it? Hubby and I have been operating in two different spheres for years when it comes to finances. We never really recuperated from the rippling effects of the market crash and we never downsized our lifestyle in a significant manner. I don’t relish the thought of moving into a smaller place or a basement apartment with a kid and a dog but at this point we’d have to move outside of the city. I do know that I mentioned this to hubby over 2 years ago and even made him look at a very humble townhouse complex in another city. I had to drag him to the door once we got to the place. Outside it was a little… humble and I had flashbacks of the neighbourhood my mum worked very hard to avoid. It was clean and tidy but quite cramped. We would have had to ditch most of our furniture. Our middle class sensibilities got in the way of common sense. And now that we are both self employed, there’s no way we qualify for any sort of financing for a car or a home for that matter. So moving is off the table for now.
I truly dislike transcribing as I am really more of a people person and the thought of hustling for more transcribing work is truly depressing. I can do it p/t for sure as I have been doing for years, but spending all my daylight hours in isolation and silence….well, I might as be a writer, right? That’s a joke. At least that would be creative, but I’m not very skilled at that. Also it’s not very profitable.
Another actress and I are currently brainstorming about what we can do to generate more income. We are looking at starting an agency connecting artists to joe jobs. We’ll start with ourselves first. I am determined to meet our challenges with a high life condition without having an either/or mindset. At first I was really depressed and thought of my mum’s life, how she gave everything to us so that we could have a home and food on the table. She hated working in a factory, but was steadfast in trying to give us a secure life. But I also remember her all dressed up in sequins and singing and she radiated such joy and I wish I had known that woman when I was growing up. Then I thought if could connect to kosen rufu* and my practice, then surely I could be happy doing so many other things as long as I use my natural abilities.
Any hints on the type of job that involves a lot of talking and shopping?
*” …a vision of social peace brought about by the widespread acceptance of core values such as unfailing respect for the dignity of human life” kosen rufu