Could I be even more tired?

I received the results from my blood tests last week.  I definitely have low iron.  I also have a high A1C number (this is for blood sugar). The range is 4.0  – 6 and I’m a 6.   In fact, if it was .1 degree higher, I’d be pre-diabetes.  Now I knew this about a year and a half ago, but I guess I kind of forgot about it until I started to feel as fatigued as I did. I increased my workout schedule, but I was still tired, huffing and puffing up the same hill I walk every day, my legs ached, I became irritated very quickly, etc.   My TSH level also dropped a bit but it’s still within normal range.  I had to pay to get a T3 and T4 level done (at the same lab) through my naturopath’s requisition and  then I could see that my numbers were low.  So basically hypothyroid.  We suspected that for a while as I have the usual symptoms but unfortunately you can’t get a GP to order a T3 or T4 unless you drop out of the “normal” TSH range.

The walk in clinic doctor called me back to discuss my results and I have to admit, I was pretty alarmed when she told me I should talk with my GP about the possibility of going on metformin.  Then by the time Boo and I had reached the car, I was over it.  I’m not going on metformin until absolutely necessary because with diet and lifestyle changes, I can lower that number.  That’s what I’ve been trying to do as a matter of fact, but despite my gluten free diet, quitting drinking, and working out, weight loss has been brutally difficult.  Of course, I’ve had low iron before and this was an impediment to my weight loss before.  Add on top of fluctuating hormones, this is an uphill no fun slog.  Sigh.  Why can’t I be one of those naturally lithe people?

So no freaking out, it could be worse.  At least now I know what it will take to get me feeling better and I’m taking those steps.

Mama bear

When my son first started kindergarten, I was happy as a clam, dreaming of what I would do with all that free time.  At the same time, I was a little adrift – he was without me by his side to navigate the world.  He’s a real social creature and thrives on playing with his buddies, in his mind, there is no prejudice, people are different by virtue of basic physical characteristics and that’s pretty much it.  Innocence.  I love that about kids before us adults mess them up.

There are two special needs children in his class, one a little boy who seems to have problems with self control and boundaries.  He’s a nice, innocent child, but he’s a hitter.  Of course, the first few weeks of , my son is telling me that this child is hitting him or scratching him.  He’s upset about it but at the same time he likes him and plays with him, and it’s not just him, it’s other kids so it’s a random thing. I watch the kids carefully as they play in kindergarten play area after school.  I see this boy’s mum watching her son intently and she has to run up to him several times and correct his behaviour or pull him away from someone.  She makes him apologize to someone and then its play time again.   Once, he even hit me cause I didn’t have time to take my son over for a playdate.  I finally arranged a play date because both boys wanted it so much.  I admit it, I was quite hesitant, but I thought I would give it a shot and I would stay and try to get to know the mum better.  Everything went really well, in fact, in a quiet setting, we didn’t hear a peep out of them.  The mum didn’t say too much, we just talked about the usual kid things.  They played nicely together and we even made a Christmas craft. I have seen him at kids parties and his mum is always there because he gets easily overwhelmed by noise and yelling and can get out of control physically or start crying.  At the playground, I have seen this child throw rocks and pinecones at older children’s privates, flail and hit other kids and though his mum is always there after that fact, she does zone out every now and then and miss it.  I don’t blame her really.  Lately, he was hitting another little boy, and I talk to this child’s mum quite a bit.  She was very upset and asked me what I thought I should do.  I suggested talking to his mum or speaking to the teachers.  She is of the opinion that at least out of school, the mum should prevent these incidents from happening even if it requires her to stick to his side.    It’s not like the mum is neglectful, she’s always right there and takes excellent care of her child.   It’s just that “letting the boys sort it out” thing is not working.  My friend has moved her child away to the other side of the school to play because she has an infant and she was watching another kid and just didn’t want to be aggravated.

Now, lately I’ve been hearing that child’s  name again and just yesterday, the teacher told me my son hit his head on the cement wall just moments before I arrived.  My son told me how exactly it happened and this kid was swinging his backpack and that’s how it happened.  Two weeks ago, this kid punched my son and that I actually saw that.  The grownups intervened and he explained that they were seeing how strong they were.  My son was hurt though. There are always apologies and my son doesn’t hold grudges but these incidents happen over and over again.  We left, my son crying and for the next two days when I saw this child running around (and I found out he’s taking taekwondo now by the way), we made an early exit.

So I went and spoke with his teacher and the special needs assistant about the incident just after dismissal and before I picked him up.  I was a little peeved.  One teacher said that the child’s movements were just so exuberant and he’s not really seeing what he’s doing.  I get that.  It’s obvious.  He’s a sweet kid and it’s apparent he’s not malicious. I told them that though he apologizes and gets a time out, it keeps happening, so it’s a comprehension issue that they can’t control.  I don’t even know all the facts.  What I do know is that the two little boys that pushed him back, this child doesn’t bother anymore.  And one boy is even protecting others from him.  They all play together but at times it’s problematic because little boys are always very physical in their play and if they’re not running into stuff or jumping off the slide, they’re play fighting.  It’s often hard to distinguish the difference but they’re learning about controlling themselves.

I have told my son that the first time someone shoves him or hits him to use his words to stop it.  Then if they don’t stop, go to the teacher and if it still persists, he has my full permission to hit the kid back.  My kid is such a peaceful kid and he doesn’t want to get into trouble but I can’t be there every time for him.  I made all this perfectly clear to the teachers.  So they just said why not speak to the mum.  Oh, I will, don’t worry about that.  I have my 1, 2, 3 rule for that as well.

*****By the way, strike 3 happened today after I wrote this post.  I’m having a little chat with the child’s mum today.

Microblog Mondays – Cupid is in a coma

Microblog_MondaysWell I quit the candy, and only went to the gym once last week.  I was soooo pooped and my knees were killing me.   I went back to the naturopath who is convinced I have adrenal fatigue.  I sat in her office and almost wept from exhaustion and frustration.  Since only general thyroid tests are covered by the province, I had to pay to get  the T3 and T4 levels.  And I can only get my iron level blood test from my GP if I want it for free, so of course, I have to make an appointment for that.  She did offer me a B12 shot but that makes my face break out, so I passed.  I did get some sepia homeopathic remedy and if you look that up, I fit the profile of the overwhelmed, hormonal woman.  I think this week, I’m going to pamper myself a bit.  I need some TLC.  We went out the day before Valentine’s (and I did get flowers) but we rushed through dinner only to find our choice of movie only had front row seating, so hubby wanted to go back home and watch a movie.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they schedule movies fairly early and then really late (well 10pm) is late for us, so we didn’t really feel like hanging out til the late show. Oh, yes, there might have been a time when we would have been delighted to hang out with each other and talk for hours, but not anymore.   I grabbed a bottle of wine.  So basically, though the kid was having a sleepover, it was not a romantic evening.  It was more of a fall asleep on the couch night.  Ah, I’ve entered the old shoe years. Swell.

Microblog Mondays – Progress is exhausting

Microblog_MondaysWhew, it’s been a busy week!  I did hear back from the employment agency and I went in for an interview.  I was so nervous.  The interview went well but it was a little weird since I’ve been self employed for so long.  At the end, they gave me a link where I could complete an online typing test and MS word test.  Don’t think I did that well on either one really which is weird because I take verbatim notes from 8-9 people talking for 4-6 hrs.  Essentially that demands I type pretty darn fast.  And then complete formatting the notes before the end of the evening?  I don’t worry too much about accuracy because of spellcheck.  I can’t tell you when the last time I used a mail merge. If I don’t remember how to do something, I just hit the help button.   I hope I can get some sort of work though.  Anything would help and I’m actually kind of excited about it.  (I just hope I get to talk to people and not get stuffed into a filing room.)

I also worked two evenings and hubby had evening meetings so we had to leave the Boo with his partner’s kids who were with a sitter. Then we picked him up sleeping the end of the night and took him home.  Good news is that hubby’s new business is starting to take off and they booked their first contract and there could be more on the way.  I also went to the gym 4 times last week, and lo and behold I’m still not losing weight.  In fact, I’m freaking exhausted.  I thought working out was supposed to give you energy.  I have been consistently working out and yet I still am out of breath from going up stairs.  I totally fell off the good eating habits for the past week so I gained back all I lost the week before.  Then today was Family Day and we just returned from a nice weekend visit with the in-laws and I have a Buddhist meeting tonight.  Damn, I’m tired.  A f/t job could kill me.

Back to the naturopath this week to confess my candy sins.

Microblog Mondays – Crunch time

Microblog_MondaysThis month’s goal is to look for temp work.  I talked to someone about it already and emailed my resume and haven’t heard back.  So either my resume is shockingly bad or I need to find another agency. I do have work scheduled in the next couple of weeks so I’m not quite available for f/t hours. I am also shooting today for a new project that hopefully will go to a web series. My friend is producing it, and I get to play a school principal! Alas, there is no money involved in this which is unfortunate, but I’m really look forward to it anyway.

When I told hubby I was looking to get back into temp work, he made a rather nasty and negative remark which really upset me. Something along the lines of how he would have to listen to me complain about how much I hate temp work. I expected him to be encouraging considering our circumstances. To enter into temp world again effectively puts my auditioning on hold for an unspecified amount of time. It’s not something I expected I’d have to do at my age, but there you go. He apologized for it later, but still. I know he’s stressed, but it’s not easy for either one of us. Saying sorry and then changing the subject doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to hear me tell him what I think.

Okay, universe, time for a well paying gig!

Microblog Mondays – Reminder to self

Microblog_MondaysThough one might point at the earth and miss it, though one might bind up the sky, though the tides might cease to ebb and flow and the sun rise in the west, it could never come about that the prayers of the practitioner of the Lotus Sutra would go unanswered.

(The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Vol 1, p345)

I went to a Buddhist discussion meeting last night and one of our members offered this Gosho passage as one of their favourites.  I was moved to tears because I had chosen this passage when I told my experience of bringing my son home.  After 7 long years of trying to have a baby and waiting 2 years to adopt, I had had many doubts as to the strength of my faith, my marriage and my mental health.  I had spent everything I had to have a child, the down payment for a house was gone and then when we moved on to the adoption, even that journey was nothing I had ever imagined.  I had become a woman that I did not recognize anymore. Years before, a woman was doing a healing massage on me and told me that a child may come to me but not through me.  I was a ball of grief but those words never left me.

And then the night I held my son perhaps for the last time, I chanted for him and his mother to be happy and I knew that I could survive anything after having my heart just about ripped from my chest.  His happiness was all that mattered, not mine.

And then my prayers were answered.

Hang in there.