I received an email from someone who wanted to talk to me because I had done IVF. Her first attempt failed and she wanted someone to talk to so she could gather information about what she might do next. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it’s been years. I felt so bad for her because I remembered how devastated I was. She seemed composed but she was definitely looking for answers. There aren’t, not really. You can do all the right things, follow the protocol, have good results, things look positive and then…nothing. And you can try again and have it work.
I shared my experience with her and also my experience with adoption. I probably talked too much. It was hard to tell if she wanted to share or just figure stuff out in her head. I hadn’t talked about that stuff in a very long time. It was a little weird to hear those words come out of my mouth. I wanted to encourage her to not give up and I also wanted to let her know she was not alone. I hope I was useful.
I’ve shared things here in this blog more than I ever did in real life, deeply personal things, but when I was in the thick of it, I was mostly putting on a brave face. Perhaps that’s where she is now. I was a little stunned after our first IVF didn’t work. Shocked that I had committed 100%, drank the herbs, did the acupuncture, chanted hours of daimoku, hired the personal trainer, gave myself the shots, did the positive visualizations. I had minor surgery, done the horrible fucking tests, been scanned and monitored, been drained of blood dozens of times. Around the same time my mother had a stroke, spent 3 months in the hospital and then I put her in a home. I had even been let go from a major gig. I pressed on because that’s what I do. I had earned my miracle, so to speak. And then…nothing. Crickets. Bitter pill to swallow but I went on to IVF#2 because I wasn’t a quitter. I was markedly different by then. I no longer believed that working hard would automatically bring me rewards. My guard was up and I wasn’t going to be that deer in the headlights ever again.
Most people I know cannot afford multiple rounds of IVF, they either have financial help from family or they spend their savings. What did I need a 3 bedroom home for if I couldn’t have children, right? Heck, over the years I’ve heard of people having fundraisers, bake sales or trying to win radio contests for free IVF. Or they enter the adoption arena. Or they don’t do either. Occasionally they just get pregnant the old fashioned way, you know because they just let it go and RELAXED. (This is for you urban legends out there for that I know exist.) Sometimes, they just move on to a different life than the one they had pictured in their heads. I hope my friend has her wish fulfilled.
A Woman My Age 