Swirling thoughts

I was walking the dog in my usual cathedral, Ipod in my ears (that song Who Knew by Pink making me cry) and trying to sort through my anxiety.  As is my curse, I start by looking backwards.  A luxury of being middle class.  I still felt the sting of losing my friend to cancer and the loss of my dear Sampson.  I missed the laughter and wisdom of my girlfriend.  I want to talk to her.  I really wanted to have her antique rocking chair but could not bring myself to ask her miserable sister.  I wanted it selfishly because it the last chair she sat in, the one that went with her from place to place.  I wanted to feel her there when I rock a baby in my arms.  I have no idea where it went.  I’m still pissed that I didn’t get that memento of her to carry into my future.

I wondered where the time had gone – eaten up by that beast infertility.  I struggled, I rallied more than a few times.  Even enjoyed being childfree (I can hop on a plane just as soon as I get the dog kenneled).  I can walk as fast as I want and watch daytime TV.  I go for coffee and cake and speak uninterrupted on the phone.  Sometimes people ask me what I’ve been up to this year and I feel a bit ashamed.  I smile, mumble something.  No new film coming up.  I’ve been waiting.  You know, up until July I think I was actually adjusting to a childless life and then we were matched and  that bitch hope entered  my life again.  Up and down we went on the rollercoaster.  Will I win, will I lose, and at what cost?  Pun intended.  All my talk of creating and I’ve nothing to show for it.  Work wise I mean.  It’s difficult to feel fulfilled when the artistic side of you is not working.  Just typing.  All finances have been directed to two things.  Treating ourselves to relieve the anxiety of financing our adoption and well, the adoption.  All in the midst of a recession and job insecurity.

I can see why Virginia Woolf needed a room of her own.  How does a woman write, or accomplish something without having her concentration being continually broken with the demands of a dog that needs to be walked, food that has to be cooked, laundry that has to get cleaned, emails returned, floors swept, rugs vacuumed, husband’s phone calls and a demented mother to visit?  You notice I didn’t mention children, right? My life was set, I’d made disappointment my friend and grey hairs my new enemy. Now I’m actively trying to figure out what my life will look  like with an infant to get to know.  I missed the first 9 months, so we’ll be starting from scratch.  You know I’m not a morning person.  I gotta have at least 1/2 cup of coffee.  Mmm, need to learn how to use the automatic timer on the solo barista machine.  Yeah, I the motherly type, but let’s face it, I’ve been mothering a dog for the past 9 years.  And the only thing I’ve nursed is a hangover.

Oh, boy. I pop over to A&A’s blog to sneak a peek at a little black baby.  Check.  Still think they’re cute.  That’s good news.  Maternal feelings still there. Whew.

DH is back.  Well, sort of.  He was home for a bit, he walked the dog and then had to leave again for a business dinner.  Tomorrow is another late day, we have mum over and then it’s Wednesday, I’m working all evening so I should be home in time to watch hubby snore in front of the TV.  Sigh.  Well, at least with a kid, I’ll have a legitimate reason for not having sex.  Speaking of which the last time we TRIED to have sex, the dog practically pulled up a chair and stuck her rather long nose into our business.  We laughed so hard it ruined the moment.  I have to say she looked rather…. distraught.

Ah, at least we can still laugh together.  Note to self, keep plenty of bones in the freezer.  That way, we can ALL have a treat.

I got to learn not to take life so seriously.

 

I love the colour blue

Went to the doctor’s – and check!  Got a prescription for Ativan!  Yay!  More blue pills!  I told her why I might need them and as I was talking, my eyes started to well up.  Crap.  I haven’t been sleeping well and I’ve been biting my cheek while I sleep.  I have been pretty damn tired lately, hence the craving for carbs and sweets for energy, so I thought my iron levels were low. So I got a blood test and lo and behold, it is.  Figures.  I also have been coughing a lot at night.  No cold, but she confirmed my post nasal drip issues might be the culprit.  She prescribed Nasonex.  And then we talked about H1N1 vaccine so I’m going back for my physical and to get the shot.  Eww, I’d forgo the shot if I didn’t have to get on a plane and care for a newborn.  I ran into a friend of mine who got H1N1 and she was sick for 3 weeks and lost 13 pounds.  Some people are so lucky.  I’ve never lose my appetite, even when I’m sick.  I can always choke back some chicken soup and ice cream.

On my list of things to do:   mammogram (swell) and a physical.  Gotta load up on Vit. C and D and iron get my rest.  Gotta pack a bag just in case we need to move faster than we planned.  Gotta reserve a room.  Gotta get a grip. Really liking the colour blue right about now.

 

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November ICLW

Ohmigoodness, time for ICLW.  You could go here for the lowdown on me or I could just say:  been down the yellow brick road of IVF, came up empty, and now on the road to adoption.  Getting grey hairs in the process. So there! A lot of my posts are password protected because it contains details pertaining to the people involved in the adoption and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings  cause I was pissed off that day.  We’ve been waiting for 2 years now and it’s been really difficult for us.  I’ve learned about myself and life in the process so that’s my silver lining in it all.  But we are so close to our destination of a family of 4 (including the dog), so please cross your fingers or whatever appendages you have for us.

 

Life of luxury

It has been raining like the dickens here lately.  so go to show and Tell.  Yesterday afternoon it was so cold and so rainy but I suited up and took Miss Juno to the park where we encountered another man and his dog (cause who else but dog owners would be out in that dark and dreary misery).  They played for a bit, but even they called it a night and my dog had no interest in going home.  So we kept walking and 45 minutes later, hands freezing, I dragged her all the way home.  If there was a person, stroller or other dog she could find to stop and stare at, she did.  My punishment for only a 20 min. walk in the morning.  I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do once I get a baby, but we’ll see.

I’m way behind today on posting – was on the phone – then I had to take Juno out for her morning outing.  We ran into a nice owner and her dog, Emma (don’t ask me what the woman’s name is, I forget), and they romped and played in the mud.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have camera in tow to show you how absolutely filthy she got.  She had fun and then I’ve been cleaning either her or the apartment ever since. So I’ll share a photo of her waking up beside me last week.

THWWWWWPPPP!

Little Miss JuJu better enjoy these precious few days while she can before she gets bumped down the pack order.

Going....

Going....

Gone!

 

Can we change the subject PLEASE?!!!!

On Friday, I attended a business dinner with my husband.  It was one of those fancy, private dining room affairs to celebrate a deal.  He warned me ahead of time, I was going to be asked about the adoption.  Swell. So as the guests arrive, I start getting congratulations. I practice my cool detachment.  No, I’m not excited, not quite yet.  Well, thank you for your crossed fingers and prayers.  I’m sure everything will go all right.  All in all, everyone was kind and gracious and sweet, but I do have to say  it made me anxious.  Now, I know all the name it claim it, visualization, talking into existence exercises.  I have been the cheerleader of them all.  No one prodded deeply, but I was hyper aware that everyone at the table had children, grown children, but apparently I was the only infertile. Lovely.  The only black person and the only infertile.  In a way, I was like a celebrity.  I smiled a lot to keep it light.  I tried very hard not to go into “well, it goes like this” mode.  Tough for me, I know, I’m pretty chatty, but it wasn’t my show. We talked about health care with Texans (I adored them) and complimented the big boss’s wife’s fashion sense and raved about the food.  All of these things I adore doing.

I had a restless night, full of rich food and booze, I tossed and turned.  Had a nightmare of auditioning and not being able to remember my lines.  Of feeling like a total failure.  I woke up in a sweat.  The next day I had lunch with a local blogger.   We had only met once before but after failed IVFs, she was moving on to international adoption.  So she just wanted to have lunch and talk.  And for that time, I felt understood.  I knew how she felt.  Whenever you tell people you are going to adopt, they feel relieved.  They feel more excited than you are. It’s like oh, good, you’re fixed.  We can talk about kids again.  For most women, that’s a huge topic.  And when you’re my age, you had better talk about your kids or your glamorous career.  Ah, er, well, I, uh…… say, did you see the sale at Freedman’s shoe store? Anyways, it was really nice to see her, she has been through so much, my heart breaks for her.  She has such a sweet smile.

That evening I attended a last-minute all female surprise birthday party of a friend.  I didn’t really want to go, cause I knew what was going to happen.  All female group, I mentioned that part, right?  This friend has been super supportive, with advice and lists and encouragement. I asked her advice and she has been a great help.  She’s a terrific mum and a good-hearted person.  Hubby encouraged me to go and I went knowing it wouldn’t be a late night.  They were all mothers of young children (except for one).  My friend had met them at a mother’s support group.  And yes, she had told everyone about the adoption.  Crap.  So at one point, the congratulations came and the questions ensued.  My facade started to crumble a bit I think.  I actually had only one drink (that miraculously lasted  me 2 hours), but I was driving, damn it.   I explained more than I intended so as not to appear that I was uncomfortable, or in complete denial of the motherly tasks ahead of me.  One woman wanted to give me stuff (formula, etc) in her eagerness to assist me.  I didn’t ask for anything, nor did I want it, but you know how women are.  I couldn’t say no without looking ungracious.  Note to self:  practise saying no while looking gracious.  Eager to incorporate, indoctrinate, assimilate me into their world with helpful hints.  I kept looking at my friend to help me out by changing the subject or something, even the one single woman, but I don’t think they got it. It was just too much with people who barely knew me. And yes, of course, the conversation turned to labour and delivery stories.  Argh!  Trapped!  I adapted by using my friend’s story, then I excused myself and went to the washroom and washed my hands for a long, long time.

I kept looking for the waitress to bring me my bill, but alas no luck.   Instead the birthday dessert was brought which obligated me to stick around for the birthday song and a piece of cake.  Do you remember I went to a chocolate making birthday party earlier this year?  Same crowd.  There was one woman there who started to breastfeed her infant and I got up and left.  That woman was there.  She seemed to comprehend that my path of motherhood was different and asked if I belonged to a support group for waiting adoptive parents.  Nope.  Our agency may have had one at some point but apparently those meetings kept getting cancelled.  So nothing I am aware of.  The groups they do have or the provincial adoption society has are for those who HAVE children.

Finally, the evening came to a merciful end, and as I was walking back to my car, I was feeling a bit ill.  Out of my element.  Out of any element.  Like I don’t fit it anywhere. I tried to talk to DH about it the next morning, and in typical fashion, he just said tell them no, you don’t any of their used stuff, why do you let people do that?  He ends up making me feel like it’s my fault I’m upset. That isn’t really the point.  My anxiety is not about people wanting to help me, it’s about not being able to guarantee the outcome. It’s a little like when I have auditions, I rarely mention it to people or tell them what it’s for, because most of the time I don’t get the part and it gets demoralizing.  You start to feel a little pathetic.

Yes, we were warned to keep mum about our adoption, but honestly, how do you keep quiet for 2 years?!!!! It’s like living in isolation.  My husband has to get time off of work, I have to leave my availability with my agent or clients, I need to make arrangements for the dog.  Hard to do unless you start telling people why unless you want them to think you’re secret agents.  Who do we talk to about this if we can’t share what’s going on in our lives with our friends and family?  We did this already when we were undergoing IVF – you know what that’s like, sneaking around other people’s schedules, not going out, making excuses as to why I couldn’t do this or that cause you have to be home to do a 5pm shot.  It’s exhausting and stressful. I tried to be excited and let others be excited for me, but honestly, folks, I had overload this weekend.

So yesterday it rained all day.  We stayed in and watched movies except you know who dropped by with more stuff.  She did call first but I elected to deal with her sooner rather than later.  And now I proclaim that I am thoroughly prepared for our trip.  I have the travel checklist, the stuff, the books, the video.  I am now telling my friends I have called a moratorium on all things baby and adoption related.  Please change the subject.  Unless you have walked in my shoes, I’m not going there with you.  I am going to attempt to stay calm, despite the emails, despite well-meaning women who want me to be squealing with excitement.  I have work scheduled this week, hubby is going out of town again.  I have things to do.  Please time go quickly.

I only have 2 Ativan left, people and I have to save them.

 

JuJu Fridays

Okay, I am snuggling away this morning, listening to the rain pelting the window.  Arggh, I want to sleep a bit more but I have to pee.  I roll over and this is what I see.

Good morning, princess!

Yes, a dog on my 800 count thread pillowcases.  She didn’t even move when I took the picture.  Hubby was away in Whistler for 2 days on a business thing, so when I came home last night he was sleeping on the couch, then went to bed and this is who I woke up with.  Not a bad trade, I’d say!

Oh, and since WordPress won’t let me upload videos for free, I had to humiliate myself and post this on YouTube.  Happy JuJu Fridays!

Please note in the video, my house is not usually that messy.  Okay, it is, but the dog did it! Seriously go to Show and Tell.

 

The list of baby stuff

I went to Sears yesterday to buy a baby bouncer for my friend.  I chose the simple, classy looking one that will probably fit their decor.  I know, I know, kids like bright colours, it’s the adults that want chic looking things but there were only a few to choose from.  And of course, other models you had to order and you know how good I am at planning things.   I thought it would be nice for her to have the baby in front of her while she chants.  I know she won’t be able to use it very long but her baby is quite small and I think it will be useful.  I went online and checked out all the different kinds of bouncers and then got sucked into the swirling vortex of baby bouncers and swings.  This one plays 3 different kinds of music, this one vibrates, this one rocks, this one doesn’t do anything but it looks chic and sleek.  Oh my goodness!

Hubby seems to like looking up best models of this and that and looking for reviews.  Get this.  He likes the Stokke baby stroller.  Loves it!  I’ve seen a few around these parts, and they are very cool and hip looking.  They are also $1500.  Yep.  Not to mention all the accessories like FOOTMUFFS and SLEEPING BAGS you pay extra for.  It’s crazy!  And then there’s the chariot stroller for trail walking which we do a lot of.  Several hundred.  I had no idea of course, but when I went to the cool baby store on cool street to buy something for my friend, I almost passed out at the prices of the strollers and cribs and accessories.  You see, I’ve spent years avoiding these stores, so I had no idea of what was in them.  I used to walk by looking in the other direction.  People, besides holding a child -  does it also make cappuccinos?!

Clearly, I am a newbie.  I didn’t even know until last week that there was such a thing as a diaper wipe WARMER!  Yup.  I am meeting a friend at the end of the week with the list of baby stuff I wrote down last night. She wanted to meet at Toys R’Us, but I had to let her know that was not going to happen.   She is dying to give me her old crib, a stroller and introduce me to Craig’s List.  She really is trying to help me prepare.  I have such generous friends and they all want to give me baby stuff but I’ve tried to explain to them to hold onto it until I actually get back home.  Okay, I admit it,  I want a new crib – I want to pick the colour (black), I want to pull it out the box and put it together with DH.  I guess it’s the experience I crave.   It’s funny how pictures of things get stuck in your mind.  I always pictured what the nursery of my dreams would look like.  The chair, the matching furniture, the stuffed animals.  Hubby is determined to buy the fanciest, coolest, gadget like thing ever.  Once he saw the demo of the Stokke, he was hooked.  It flips, it rotates, it swivels, it converts.  Oh, boy, a new toy.  We can’t keep up with the Joneses, I hate that sort of thing.

I have a bought a blanket and a onesie, a book, and a pack of baby spoons.  Crazy, huh?  The spoons were on sale at Shoppers Drug Mart.  I have no idea why I bought them.  Once I started looking at the other items in the baby aisle, I started to get overwhelmed so I just grabbed the spoons before I changed my mind.  It doesn’t make any sense.  But there you have it.  Now I have this list and all I want to do is go to Sears and have someone get the stuff for me cause I’m afraid I will pass out.  I know what it is.  I’m scared.  It’s like I have to convince myself that my dream will come true this time.  If I buy a pack of spoons, it’s okay cause it’s just a tiny thing, no one will notice what I’m doing and say hey, who do think you are – a mother?  I can hide a pack of spoons or a blanket in a drawer.  I can pretend it’s for someone else – cause all these years, that’s what it has been.  Right from the beginning I would buy something small and tuck it away and say to myself, this is for MY baby.  And then I would have to give it away.  On the same weekend I started this blog, I bought an unframed picture for my adopted child.  I displayed it in the 2nd bedroom, showed the social workers and my family.  It was a promise to myself that I would hang it up on the day he/she came home with me.

So here’s my challenge to myself.  I’m going to go with my friend (or myself) and get some baby stuff.  I will commit, I will believe that these things are for my child.  My own child.  I deserve to enjoy this.

 

Our anniversary

I have to admit, there were times when I wasn’t 100% sure I’d reach my 8th wedding anniversary.   But we have and I am so grateful.  We know about 5 couples  who have recently announced separations or divorces and though it’s not always a bad thing, it does bring out the worst in people.

When times were tough, I’d remind myself of the good times:  DH dancing for me in his underwear trying to make me laugh, catching up in bed on the weekends, bringing me flowers for no reason and for when I was having a bad day. During the last 4 years, they’ve been a lot of bad days for me.  He told me the other day the his friends often complain that their wives are in a bad mood when they come home and he said he was grateful that I wasn’t a moody woman.  I don’t know how he came to that crazy conclusion but who was I to stop him while he was expressing his gratitude for me?  He can be a little short on listening and empathy skills.  This year, however, I have seen a change in him, a softening maybe since we made a match.  He really tries to listen more and see the other person’s perspective.  As we approach our destination, I see a man who wants to be a father.  He wants to be a good provider.  The only thing that unhinges him is when I won’t talk to him and his work.  If things aren’t going well in either of those areas, he’s miserable.  Work has been tough lately, but this hope has been driving him.  I know it.   He wants a family life with me.  He wants me to be happy. He wants us both to lead full and enjoyable lives.  For this, I am grateful.

We went to see a movie (A Serious Man – good but strange – strangest Coen brother movie yet) and then to an Italian restaurant.  We had one of those waiters with a mysterious accent and slicked sparse hair who glide in and out from the table.  I was in the middle of a intense speech to him when the maitre’d came over so I let him know politely but firmly that we didn’t want to order dessert just yet.  (Slight digression:  why do wait staff insist you order dessert the minute they take the dinner plates away?) I had hubby’s undivided attention (no sports channel, no dog, no Blackberry), I had to take advantage to let him know that I was grateful for the life that we had, that I was doing okay on my path to not holding on to things in a sweaty death grip and that either way this thing turns, I knew I’d be okay.  Okay, that last part was faked, but you know what I mean.

It seems that most of our celebratory dinners have been marred by the ever present question of will we or won’t we have a child and we deliberately kept off that topic. We just wanted to have a nice time and we did.  No looking back, no looking forward, just living in the present. It was good.

 

Making plans

** was supposed to post this on Saturday but was too busy**

My head is starting to hurt – that must mean I’m thinking again.  Or, it could mean that I drank too much last night.  I went out with a girlfriend who is getting divorced – unwillingly I might add, but she’s making progress -  and together with another (single) friend – we had a few cocktails.   We were an odd group, really.  There was MiniMartha (my friend), CareerGirl (her friend) and BoozyBuddhist (that’s me) talking about trying to move forward in our lives. MiniMartha is fragile, but determined to hang on to her dignity as she struggles to let go of a marriage she doesn’t really want to let go of.  They don’t have kids, they never wanted any.  She can’t imagine kissing another man after 16 years. Her husband told her one day that he wanted a divorce, that he was done, really done and moved out.  I know there’s two sides to the story  but I can relate to her on the level of one who never thought she’d be where she was.  CareerGirl is looking for love online and like a lot of single girls I know is having a hard time finding what they want.  And me BoozyBuddhist is moving forward to motherhood and the more she begins to compile her lists, the more excited/terrified she is.  ONE MORE DELICIOUS LEMON DROP MARTINI PLEASE AND KEEP ‘EM COMING! What an odd trio.  We did have a bit of fun though.  But unlike the girls in Sex and the City, we’re not getting any!

On the home front, we’re looking at flight dates and checking out accommodations and counting our pennies, trying to imagine what this is going to look like without well, knowing.  worrying if we’ll all be home by Christmas and parking and when should we go if we leave after she delivers, we’ll be hit with a huge airline bill, so we’ll just take our chances by going around due date time and waiting and omg what if she’s really late and we’re stuck there for Christmas and who will take care of Juno?  Little stuff like that.