Hungry

I’ve been pretty busy lately.  Joined Weight Watchers again.  Somewhat reluctantly because I knew I would have to start counting points and counting how many raw almonds I could eat.  Frankly, though, wishing things were different is not as useful as actually having a plan and following through with it.  So I do it while hubby is away for work, so I can get going without having to worry about what he wants for dinner.  Going back to spin class helped and I took up snowshoeing.  After 20 years in this province, I finally picked up a winter sport.  It’s something I can take the dog along (though she hates the sight of people moving on skiis and snowboards) and if I hustle I can get to the mountain and back before school is out.   I am slowlllly losing weight. So good for me.  When I ran out of points, I went to bed.  Seriously.  I don’t eat in bed normally, so I figured if I just retired to the bedroom, I’d be safe.  And then I started to stash some candy in my bedside table.   At first I could count out how many caramels I could eat safely and then I started to get pissed off/stressed/bored/lonely and ate more.  Ah, the sugar monkey on my back has returned.  Then I went sledding with my son which was a lot of fun but by nightfall, my back started to hurt.  A lot.  I still went to spin the next morning but walking the dog later was agony.  Back to the chiro and no more spin for the rest of the week.  Spinitis.  Discs in the lower back rubbing together created pain and inflammation.  After two adjustments, I am much better.  My energy has returned.   My girlfriend and I are going to dinner with the kids tonight. I gotta change my weigh in dates from Tuesday to Friday so I can at least drink on the weekend and get back on point (no pun intended) during the week.  I am not good at planning meals and I really dislike buying frozen food but there is such relief when I know that turkey/mashed potatoes tray is only 5 points.  I’ve got to get better at it.  And this is why I hate dieting, it’s a fucking full time job  trying to distract yourself from hunger, cravings and trying to trick yourself into calling carrots and cauliflower and frozen grapes, snacks. I make one thing for the kid,  eat small portion of whatever I make for hubby and me.  I came home looking for turkey leftovers for lunch one day only to discover hubby hadn’t left any from the night before and went into a blind rage cause now I only had leftover mashed cauliflower and mashed potatoes and …..now I know why J.enny Craig is so popular.

All this suffering for a .9 lb loss in a week.  Say a prayer for me, please.

 

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A deep freeze

I wrote a half a post about a week ago concerning a friend of mine who is going through a marital breakdown – I hit a wrong button and it all evaporated.  I was so pissed off, I couldn’t retrieve it, but whatever.  These people are so close to me and its one of those couples that I know many people held up as an example.  I feel just so bad for them, there’s so much pain.   It was causing me to reflect on my own marriage, and not in a good way, if you know what I mean.  It makes me think what would I do?   I’ve heard more than a few times from female friends, that the husband just upped and left after the kids grew up or they found someone else, a younger and prettier version.  I remember wanting my parents marriage to be over when I was 11 years old because I just couldn’t take the violence, the disrespect, the humiliation anymore and yet ultimately my mother went back to my father because she just couldn’t make it on her own.  Despite the fact that he tried to choke the life out of her in front of a crowd.  For my dad’s part, it was his ego that was wounded, he never wanted her and the ensuing years was just a facade.  It changed how I viewed myself, the opposite sex and my ability to deal with conflict.  It made me question the whole point of marriage to begin with.

I have to talk to both people, but it’s just plain awkward.  I am trying to be supportive and reassuring  while remaining neutral but of course, I have my opinions.   I have to be careful with what I say cause I don’t want to get into any trouble.  I guess I can’t ask the husband for  marriage advice anymore.  Huh.

The weather here has been unseasonably cold; it has already snowed a few times and mild chaos ensued.  I was brought up out East, so I don’t find it that bad, but Vancouver is ill prepared for snow, even when it’s forecasted.  Sigh.  We’ve been having a shortage of salt and a lot of neighbourhood side streets are like ice rinks.  So the city decided to “help” and put free salt/sand at some fire stations.  There was a mob scene at one of them.  Over salt.  Sigh.  Someone even posted a bag of salt for $80 on Craig’s List.  Both hubby and I took over shovelling snow for our elderly neighbours and I was rewarded with a beautiful “quillow” for Christmas (from the friendly one). I’d never heard of one, but it’s  quilt that has a pouch you can put your feet into and you can fold it up into a pillow using the same pouch.  It really came in handy cause I got the flu over Christmas.  First hubby got it, but he recovered in 2 days and then I woke up with it Christmas morning.  Yay, a gift I can’t return.  So much for the serious drinking I had in mind.   Oh yeah, and hubby took his brother to the emergency room 3 times due to gall bladder pain.  It was a Christmas for the books.  We came home early from our in-laws and I spent the next 4 days in bed.  In isolation.  Well, actually I dragged myself out of bed to do a roundtable taping with fellow African Canadian actors and then back to bed.  I’m good now except for a residual phlegmy cough.

 

Microblog Mondays – More gigs!

I am so freaking tickled pink that I am a working actress! I had honestly forgotten what it felt like.  And to get to work with Donald Sutherland – OMG!  He is so gracious and charming!  I really had to work hard to just concentrate on my work instead of acting like an idiot around him.  I mean, he’s a Canadian icon!  I honestly haven’t met that many well known actors that I am genuinely moved to act like a moron around because I am so impressed by their talent.  I am really grateful to be able to work with him even in such a small capacity.

And to boot, I had another audition, this time a theatre one, then a callback the next day – and guess what!  I got it!!!  So next spring I will be on stage. I will fill you in when it gets closer to the time!  This is so awesome.

 

 

Let the good times roll

I landed 2 gigs!  And one of them is a recurring part (at least 2 episodes I think) and I get to play an African nun!  Yay!  So of course, I now have a f****ing cough again and I’m on set next week.  What is it with me and working on set with an uncontrollable cough?!!!  This is like the 3rd time this has happened to me.

The in laws are arriving tomorrow, it’s Boo’s birthday weekend and I’ve got to work on my accent. And my shoot days just happen to be on the days I booked notetaking work (that’s never happened before).  I called my client and explained I couldn’t work for her, but I’ve been unable to find a suitable replacement for her.  She was really happy for me, but I feel terrible about leaving her in the lurch.

I am so freaking grateful!  Eeks, I haven’t worked in so long, I’m nervous!!

Microblog Mondays – Contagion

It’s been quite the week, hasn’t it?  I was at a farewell party for some Buddhist friends of mine who are moving to Whitehorse, NWT.  I had to race back home, open a bottle of wine and watch the US election results.  Trump became the next president – WTF America?.  I’ve had to unfriend someone on my Facebook who kept leaving rabid anti-Hillary/conspiracy rants on my feed after I would repost certain articles.  I get it, not everybody has to agree with me, that’s fine, but I was beginning to feel reluctant to repost articles because I was afraid I was going to have to deal with the above mentioned vitriol from that person.  This person was also a fellow Buddhist though he wasn’t a personal friend.  Yep, surprise.   So bye bye, if you refuse to leave your muddy shoes at the door, you can’t come in my house.  I don’t need to be aggravated and engage in mudslinging over people I can’t even VOTE FOR.  Frankly, I rarely take a political stance on Facebook and I usually just repost certain videos that reflect my personal views.  I use it primarily just to keep in touch with acting colleagues and friends.  And watch funny animal videos – that’s crucial.  I would prefer to have serious social discourse in person as oppose to online, but you know, that’s how things are these days.

I’ve been at the hospital 3 times in a week visiting my acting teacher (transplanted American) who was beside herself after the election results. I’ve been reading how even here, children are being racially harassed at school and then yesterday I read this article in the neighbourhood newspaper. Not like this shit doesn’t exist here, but it all happened within 5 days after the election.  As if certain people felt like they have a certain social approval and impunity to unload their racist shit on people.

I also found out that the one last thing I need from the government in order to conclude my job as the administrator of my mum’s estate – despite them having my request for over 20 weeks, they have done NOTHING  on the file.  NOTHING.  After finally reaching a human being, she starts to tell me how understaffed they are and blah, blah, blah.  Bureaucracy.  Surely, if I owed the government anything, they come at you with hammer and tongs.  This  I know from experience and yet when they can’t do their job in a timely fashion, too bad for you.

Then this morning, I found out I didn’t get a position in a theatre workshop that would have been creatively invigorating (not to mention a steady income) after a dismal year in TV and film.

Things are getting a lot more stressful at home.  The dog needs expensive dental surgery, Boo’s birthday is coming up, Christmas season is upon us and my hair looks like shit.  (Feel my black woman blues.)  Seems disappointment and despair is in the air.  It’s contagious.  I’ve been chanting more these days in order to keep my spirits afloat.  I’m trying my best to encourage people when even in my heart, the tendrils of panic are stirring.  I’m in the midst of trying to make some major changes in my life, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I’m already feeling the need to blunt the edges with another glass of wine.  Looking for a soft place to land and people are leaning on me.  How do expand my heart, how do I expand my life?

There will be times in life when you cannot succeed. Or times when hardship seems about to crush you. Such times are inevitable, yet we should not allow our spirits to be broken by them. D. Ikeda

Up late and wired on sugar

Okay, it needs to stop raining.  Enough.  We’ve had about 26 rainy days out of 30.  Happily, it did not rain Hallowe’en night so fun was had by all.  Boo was dressed as a combination Batman, Optimum Prime and Captain America.  He was great in the haunted house, protected me with his shield.  He was lagging near the end a bit, so it’s no surprise he’s sick tonight.  I may have to keep him home tomorrow, but we’ll see how he’s doing. A friend of mine had her 22 year marriage implode and it’s just heartbreaking.  I think she’ll be fine but sadly she’s not the first woman I know that was caught off guard and I’m doing my best to support her without actually telling her what to do.  I’m trying like hell to be neutral because as soon as you bring that stuff home, well, everyone has an opinion, don’t they and you tend to take sides consciously or unconsciously.   And frankly, it’s scary cause it’s one of those couples where you didn’t expect it.  I mean, how you can profess your love for your wife 6 months ago and now it’s done?  Oh, yeah, you know where my mind went.  I remember that feeling when you discover that unconditional love you really believed you had wasn’t so unconditional, after all.

And guess who’s 15 year wedding anniversary is coming up next week?  Yup,and though I would love a romantic getaway being spoiled rotten, that’s not going to happen.  In fact, the idea of even going out for dinner is slipping away cause Boo is not feeling well which means once my tired husband comes home from moving his parents (who had not anticipated moving this soon and therefore his mother won’t be able to come over to babysit), there is no way he’s going to want to go out.  He wouldn’t trust a sitter and it wouldn’t be fun for either of us anyway.  So I’m preparing myself that it will be postponed.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t really plan anything special anyway.  The dog needs dental surgery and the estimate is sky high.  See?  This rain is making me negative.  Where’s my Vitamin D?

In the meantime, my mind is on Boo’s life book and it’s just about done, except for one photo of course and that photo was a gift and our printer is broken so I can’t scan it now.  Of course.  Working on Plan B.

While I was on my way to visit my acting teacher who is in hospital with a broken ankle for almost 3 weeks (it’s complicated), I get a call that my friend’s daughter is in hospital (long story) and in the end, I could only chant with her for 15 minutes before I left to pick up my son from school.

Okay, I gotta get to bed.  I ate too many Rocket candies (who brought them in the house???) and I’m on my period (my god, go away!!!) and I need to just let it all goooooo.

 

 

 

 

A new story

I have a confession to make.  I still haven’t done Boo’s life story book yet.  I was supposed to. I swore up and down I’d do it 2 years ago.   I just kept meaning to and had it all sorted out in my head and  I always had some excuse. And now the questions are starting.  And we’re filling him in on more and more.  We told him about his birthmother a long time ago, but as he’s getting older, the explanations are getting longer and longer and now he knows he has 2 brothers.  And though he often just wants a short answer before he changes the subject, I sense that his lifebook would come in handy right about now.

He’s always been the kind of kid that would make a great big brother or little brother.  Pretty much where he fits in the life he could have had.  He remarked recently that he would like to have a younger brother to play with; just like his friends/cousins who share a room. Recently, hubby split with his best friend/partner in business and since they’re not really on friendly terms at the moment, we haven’t seen a lot of his boys.  And for the first time ever, the ex volunteered to have Boo over for a sleepover so they could spend time together.   Sigh.  I really wish we could have had another child but life just didn’t turn out that way.

I think the reason I just didn’t do the book was I started out being so insecure as his mother.  When he was tiny, it was it was all I could do to  concentrate on just the mechanics of being a new mother, creating new family traditions, building our family unit.  Then came the toddler years of just trying to keep him alive.  Then school started and new routines were established and the engine of family life just shifted into high gear.   Oh, I read him adoption stories and told him he was adopted but he  just wanted reassurance that he was ours forever.  It wasn’t until he became older that he became very curious  about his origins.  His questions are quite random but persistent as he navigates through his world.

While we were in a dollar store the other day, he sat down in an empty carton and I joked oh, my how much is this little boy and he joked he was $10.  Then later in another store he asked me how much he cost.  Like, when we were in the dollar store, $10?  No, he said, when he was with his birth mother, how much did he cost?  Who asked you this?  Nobody asked me, I just want to know.  You didn’t cost anything, I never paid for you – you’re priceless!  He smiled shyly and then we looked for marshmallows.

Some days he asks about the nature of death, how long will I live, or how tall he will be or why I have bumps on my face. He asks why was he born black though people say he’s brown.  He wants to know a lot of things.

I started his book tonight and instead of trying to make it perfect, I’m just going to do the best I can.