Well, its out of the bag – Oprah has a half sister. Her mother gave birth to a girl and gave her up for adoption. I say gave her up for adoption because in those days, she left the baby behind in the hospital and had no idea where she went. The details are here. What struck me was that the sister said her kids had prompted her to investigate her origins. She had no idea that they didn’t feel complete either and that had never occurred to her because she thought well, she was there for them. Of course, I thought of the Precious and wondered about how his adoption will impact his life. I’ve been reading recent posts about open adoption and imagined his birth mother meeting him for the first time. How old will he be? What will it be like? What happens if she asks to meet him sooner rather than later? What about his birth father? Will he be around?
And speaking of celebrities and adoption, did you catch Oprah’s show with Ricky Martin? Oprah asked him what he would tell his twin boys (whom he had via surrogate) about their biological mother. He said the surrogate didn’t want an open relationship and that he would be both mum and dad to them. Actually what I don’t think they mentioned is that he used an egg donor and then transferred the embryo into the surrogate/gestational mother. Hate to have to explain that to a 4 year old (I don’t think Ricky is thinking that far ahead), but I suppose I’m going to have to my hands full when the Precious figures out he’s a little darker than daddy. I’m sure other people will point it out to him anyway.
Which brings me to this post from Single Dad Laughing. “How much did your kid cost?” was the question to him in FRONT OF HIS KID! Yep, I’ve had that question asked several times already. The answer depends on who’s asking and how the question is actually asked. Usually someone might say Oh, that must have been expensive to get him as a newborn and I go, yup. And then I say, but I could have gotten a Filipino baby for a third of the price! And then I change the subject. Cause that’s how I roll, ladies and gentlemen. Other times, I say, that’s inappropriate and look them dead in the eyes. That look, by the way, can stop a freight train. The foolhardy might press on, but eventually they smell their hair burning and they stop.
Mmmm, interesting – thoughts, comments?
A Woman My Age 
I love the way you think and I can picture the freight train stopping look because I have done it.
You will have to just listen for Precious actual questions (not thinking he needs to know more than what he is really asking at the time. Kids don’t mince words and they aren’t subtle–he will ask exactly what he wants to know). If you end the answer with a big hug and an I love you, his questions will be coming from a curious nature, not a longing one.
S1 always had the word adopted in his vocabulary, but it didn’t supersede the word son, or love, or family etc. You know our story..closed adoption, shocking discovery of birth mother by accident while helping another couple search, etc. Now, I am Fbook friends with Bmom and Bdad. S1 knows they are there, he has no desire to meet them. His choice. I would love to meet them. Having seen photos of their current children, it blows my mind. S1 did go through a phase of “my parents suck, I wish I had my REAL parents”….but his brothers that are biokids did the same thing WISHING they had been adopted by a better family. It is called teenagers.
To Precious, you and hubby are his parents. Plain and simple. He doesn’t have any expectations or memories of anything else.
We parents are the ones that remember the struggles, the sleepless nights, the long waits etc. All the kids remember is the love, bedtime books, pulling up a chair to help us cook, walks in the park, and our love.
I guarantee there will be a point where he will rebel, say horrible things, it will crush you and break your heart, but remember yourself and your feelings from the ages of about 12-19. Yeah. Just like that. My big rebellion was to close my bedroom door and give my mom the finger. Yep-wild rebel here.
The questions that people ask, especially in front of the kids, are so unbelievably none of their business. My MIL would always answer those types of questions with her standard “why do you want to know?” She would smile, but her point was well taken. She was one dainty, soft-spoken 4’9″ tall ballsy woman that wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful of it, yet she could stop anyone in their tracks.
So-yet again, another novel from OHN 🙂
No one has dared ask me that, much less in front of my children. If they did, I might reframe the question and say, “Do you mean what were the homestudy fees?”
Or.
If I were feeling feisty I might turn it around and say, “Can’t remember. How much was your C-section?”
Awesome reply!!!
Here from ICLW – stupid questions are everywhere! One adoptive mom I know answers with a sincere “oh, are you interested in adoption?” If you have the patience, that’d probably satisfy the gawkers as well as serious inquiries. My son is biracial, and I was asked once (luckily) “where did he come from?” because his skin is not my color. I kind of stumbled on it, but next time I’ll be ready with an answer.
The thing that is pissing me off about Oprah. Besides the obvious airing of her family’s dirty laundry for ratings is how I heard it framed on the Today Show. Oprah’s half sister found her REAL family. I’m home sick from work today and that was the last thing I wanted to see/hear. Ugh.
Can’t believe people are so crass that they ask about adoption costs in such a way.
Hmmm, having seen the piece Ms Winfrey did with Jenna (IF blogger) a number of years back, and her words “why don’t you just adopt” still ringing in my ears, I am curious to see if she manages to get some of the language correct or if she continues to put her foot in it.
This is one of those things that can go either way – good or bad. But if it goes bad, it’s going to be a shit* storm for adoption. I guess time will tell.
*sorry for swearing on your blog, it just felt right 🙂
Swear away!
I have a friend who adopted a child from Ethiopia and then got pregnant (she and her husband are white). Someone said to her IN FRONT OF THE TWO OF THEM something like, “I guess they’ve got two different daddies, huh?” I think she needs to cultivate your freight-train stopping look.
Oh, for the love of all that’s holy – I would have – sigh…. insert violent action here…..
We all go in a little starstruck with love for our babes and think how lucky we are. And we are. But then the public steps in. We need to be aware and open and never take anything for granted with our little guys. They will wonder and they will hear SHIT from people. We need to make sure they will talk to us whenever they are feeling. I feel like you have a huge advantage being same race. I’m actually really glad Mark is a brown-skinned man so Theo never has to look at both his parents and see no similarities.
Ricky Martin will have a lot of ‘splainin to do IMO!
I DO have a huge advantage and I have to say I’m grateful for that. I really had to search my soul about my feelings on race and adoption since my husband is white and for the most part, oblivious as to what it means to grow up not being part of the dominant race culture. He’s the one that gets the questioning looks when he’s out alone with the Precious. Knowing his nature, I expect he’s going to get into trouble.
Sidenote: I wrote a post on the question of cost is
http://seetheorun.com/2010/11/13/top-three-things-not-to-say-to-an-adoptive-parent/
Thanks for dropping by at my blog and leaving a comment. I wonder about these questions too. But I guess its time people (THOSE PEOPLE) start understanding that there ain’t 1 way of getting a family. This IS the new normal. I wish they would understand, but there will be questions, and we will deal with them as they come I guess.
Hi there,
I haven’t updated my blog in almost two months because I have been in a mind-numbing fog. Our adoption is still on but my god it’s been so fucking complicated and a few days ago I thought it was all over. A pint of ice cream AND a chocolate milkshake got me through that. Anyway, I am trying to brace myself for every possible scenario when we finally bring our daughter home and I think I have the freight train stopping look down but will practice to be sure I’m ready :). I have no idea what color skin our daughter will have and I am excited to see her for the first time. But I am also trying to prepare myself for the reality of our different skin colors (dh’s, mine and hers) and what that means she’ll face in the world…in our families, among her friends, her day care providers, her teachers, her school mates and stupid strangers. I want to be prepared for anything. I am also trying to prepare myself for the day she yells at me “you’re not my REAL mom!”. I know that day will come and I hope to handle it with grace and humor. I feel so ill-equipped and lost sometimes. I just want to do her justice. I want her to grow up feeling secure in who she is, where she came from, her identity and I am scared to death I will come up short.
I’ve been keeping up with your blog even though it seems like I dropped off the face of the earth! It gives me hope and a bit of strength.
Ohmigod, I am SO glad to hear from you! You can password protect the posts if you need to but please write if you need support – or email me in private. Remember MY rocky ride? I was a bag of nerves! Please remember the MOST people are not insensitive, they are kind and they will look into the sweet face of an innocent baby and just admire her. I know it’s tough, really, I do, I had all the same fears and worries, but you need to get her home first, love her and treasure her and ENJOY all of that. Hang in there!
Guera! I keep stopping by, and your comments were off. I was getting a little freaked that things had gone south. Glad to see you are still kicking 🙂
(And sorry again Deathstar for hijacking your post)
Guera, so good to hear from you!! (((hugs)))
Me casa is su casa
I hate the way different race childrend are different prices. I know thats the ‘way it is’, but I do not agree with it.
Anyway, we have a closed adoption because her bio mommy wanted it that way 😦 and I often wonder about my daughter and how we’ll answer all her questions since all we have is a medical history.